


She's Nothing

by lostresidentevilpotter



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: AU, F/F, Lila and Sam aren't murdered, Maybe - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-15
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-02-25 10:29:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 27,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2618522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostresidentevilpotter/pseuds/lostresidentevilpotter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She doesn't know why she keeps putting herself through this. For some reason, she needs it. She needs her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. June 2014

_June 2014_

On the outside, Lila Stangard seems like your typical pretty but not incredibly smart, rich-bitch college student.

On the outside, Rebecca Sutter seems like your typical drug dealing, punk-ass piece of shit.

Amazing how wrong you can be about people.

Lila struts around Middleton’s campus, flipping her hair over her shoulder and smiling at anyone that gawks just a little too long.

Rebecca serves frat boys alcohol, wipes down bars, sells drugs in the bathroom, and gets her ass grabbed at least three times a day. Not for enough money, that’s for sure. But along with the money she makes from dealing, it pays her rent and puts food on her table – to some degree. First, she doesn’t have an actual table. Second, “food” is usually takeout. So her diet consists of takeout, alcohol, drugs, and the occasional apple.

Hey, she’s not dead yet.

Her life intersects with Lila Stangard one June night. (Rebecca doesn’t remember the exact date and really doesn’t care to.) It’s uncomfortably humid outside and even worse in the bar. It reeks of sweat, and someone’s chain smoking in the back corner of the bar, stubbing cigarettes out on the table. There’s been four fights so far and it’s only ten, so Rebecca’s willing to bet there will be at least two more before midnight.

Fucking Middleton students.

Rebecca looks up when the bar door opens. She usually does. She’s surprised to see it’s not another frat boy but a woman with red hair and mischievous blue eyes. Rebecca almost immediately puts a name to the face. Lila Stangard. She’s dating Middleton’s quarterback. She’s in shorts that might as well be underwear, and her shirt’s low cut; Rebecca’s eyes can’t help but be drawn to Lila’s cleavage.

“So,” Lila says, sitting at the bar directly in front of Rebecca. She smirks, noticing where Rebecca’s eyes are. Rebecca quickly lifts her eyes to meet Lila’s. “When do you get off work?” Lila asks abruptly.

“I – excuse me?”

“You heard me,” Lila says, smiling confidently. She taps her short nails against the bar.

“Are you even old enough to be in here?” Rebecca demands, crossing her arms over her chest. She forces herself to keep her eyes locked with Lila’s.

“Are you?” Lila retorts, and Rebecca opens her mouth to reply, but no words come out. It’s such a stupid question; it leaves Rebecca utterly dumbfounded. Lila laughs, and Rebecca snaps her jaw shut.

“Answer the question,” Rebecca growls.

“ _Yes_ , of course I’m old enough to be in here. Duh,” Lila says, rolling her eyes. She slaps her driver’s license onto the bar and points to her age to prove it. She’s Rebecca’s age – 21 – and she’s exactly two months older than Rebecca. “Now _you_ answer _my_ question.”

“Why does it matter when I get off work?” Rebecca asks. Rebecca studies Lila Stangard, searching for any cracks in her overconfident façade. Except, Rebecca realizes, maybe it’s not a façade.

“I want to talk to you.”

“You don’t even know me.”

Lila shrugs, not breaking eye contact. “So?”

Rebecca bites her lower lip, cocking her head to the side. Something compels her to say, “My shift ends at midnight. You willing to wait two hours to talk to someone you’ve never even met?”

Lila grins. “Well, I guess we’ll see, won’t we?” She leaves the bar and joins a table of frat boys that are all more than willing to pay for her drinks. Even so, she hardly drinks and is astonishingly sober by the time midnight rolls around.

(And Rebecca was right. There are three more fights before midnight. One guy smashes a bottle over the head of another and an ambulance has to be called. Rebecca bites her tongue to suppress her laughter and busies herself with cleaning up the broken glass.)

At midnight, Pete takes over, and Rebecca grabs her bag and leaves the bar. She doesn’t carry much with her – keys, tampons, money, her cocaine, and the cocaine she plans on selling.

“Hey! Wait up!” Lila Stangard calls, jogging up to Rebecca. Quite an impressive feat, considering the four inch heels she’s wearing. Again, Rebecca finds herself watching Lila’s chest. Lila notices. She snaps her fingers and says, “My eyes are up here.”

Rebecca frowns. “What do you want?”

“I waited,” Lila informs smugly.

“I see that. Answer the question.”

“A friend of mine told me you’re the person to see for drugs.”

Rebecca sighs. “What do you want? Coke? Molly? Meth? You look like a meth kinda girl.”

“Hilarious,” Lila says dryly. “I don’t want to buy anything. I want to deal.”

Rebecca raises her eyebrows. That’s a new one. “What friend told you to see me about dealing?” Rebecca asks.

“It’s a mutual friend. I promise,” Lila says with a wink. “Does it matter? Will you help me or not?”

She should say no. She should turn the preppy rich-bitch down and move on with her life. Instead, she says, “I need a way to contact you.”

(Honestly, Rebecca can use the help. Not that she’ll tell Lila Stangard that.)

“Got it,” Lila says. She digs into her purse and frees a black marker. She seizes Rebecca’s hand and carefully writes her address and phone number on Rebecca’s palm.

Rebecca reads the address and groans. “You’re a fucking sorority girl?”

Lila smiles. “Yes I am. I can start whenever you’re ready.”

She begins to walk off, but Rebecca calls, “Do you even know my name?”

Lila spins around, now walking backwards, and answers, “Of course. You’re Rebecca Sutter.”

X

Rebecca waits three days before reluctantly dragging herself to Lila’s sorority house. She knocks on the door, and someone that’s not Lila answers. “Who the fuck are you?” the girl demands.

“Is Lila here?” Rebecca asks flatly. This was a bad idea. Rebecca knew letting Lila in could only be bad.

“Lila!” the girl shouts over her shoulder. “There’s someone here for you!” The girl turns back to Rebecca. “Stay here,” she commands. Rebecca rolls her eyes as Lila shoves past the girl.

“Hey! You’re here!” Lila greets cheerfully as if they’ve been friends forever instead of strangers. “Come in.” Rebecca tries to protest, but Lila gets an iron hold on her wrist and yanks Rebecca into the crowded sorority house. “It’s pretty crowded in here,” Lila states, and Rebecca holds in the _I have eyes_ comment that’s bursting to come out. “I have somewhere more…private that we can go.”

They ascend a few flights of stairs and emerge onto the roof of the sorority house. Lila’s hand hasn’t released Rebecca’s wrist yet, and she doesn’t let go until they’re standing in the middle of the roof. The only thing that sets this roof apart from others is the water tank.

“It’s quiet up here,” Lila says with a slight smile.

“If you like it quiet, why’d you join a sorority?” Rebecca questions. And then she remembers she doesn’t care.

“It’s a place to live,” Lila says. “So where do I start?”

X

Letting Lila deal unfortunately means Rebecca has to see the sorority girl fairly often. More often than before. Lila’s not as bad as she could be, Rebecca will grudgingly admit. Except somehow Rebecca lets Lila rather forcibly enter her life.

The start of their inevitable friendship is simple.

_Meet me on the roof tonight. Bring what you’ve got. I’ve got drinks._

Rebecca stares at the text for a good five minutes, trying to decipher its meaning. Lila supplies no reason, no real motive to take such an interest in Rebecca. Maybe she just needs a friend. Rebecca laughs aloud at the idea. Miss Popular Sorority Girl needing a friend like Rebecca? Total bullshit.

Either way, Rebecca sends back _I’ll be there at 9._

_Just come on up._

Rebecca arrives ten minutes late, but Lila’s just going to have to deal with it. Rebecca does as she’s told and walks into the sorority without knocking. Not that anyone inside seems to notice. Rebecca heads up to the roof, coke concealed in a brown paper bag in hand, and she finds Lila already seated on a towel that’s spread out on the ground.

“What’s up, loser?” Rebecca greets. “Coke,” she adds, dropping the bag in front of Lila.

“Beer,” Lila replies, holding a bottle out to Rebecca once she lowers herself to the ground. She tosses Rebecca the bottle opener.

“So, why’d you want me here?” Rebecca asks, sitting cross-legged across from Lila.

“I thought we could hang out. Talk. We barely know each other.”

“For a reason,” Rebecca points out.

“Doesn’t mean we can’t give it a shot.”

Give _what_ a shot? Rebecca doesn’t bother to ask. Instead, she asks, “What do you want to talk about?”

Lila takes a deep breath. “What’s your favorite color?”

Rebecca bursts out laughing. She sips her beer and says, “Black. What’s yours?”

“Pink.”

Rebecca laughs again and laughs harder at Lila’s indignant expression. “Of course it is,” Rebecca manages to say. “God, you’re so predictable.”

“Oh really?” Lila questions, cocking an eyebrow at Rebecca.

“Rumor is you made a virginity pact with the quarterback.”

“Griffin. And yes, I did.”

Rebecca makes a face. “Why?”

“He’s religious. He wanted to.”

“Doesn’t mean you had to,” Rebecca says.

Lila shrugs. “Favorite movie?”

Rebecca isn’t completely sure why, but she lets Lila change the subject. At least for now.


	2. July 2014

_July 2014_

It becomes a regular thing. Rebecca and Lila meet on the roof of the sorority house at least three times a week. At first, Rebecca tells herself it’s because of the drugs. Lila isn’t that bad when they’re both high. Rebecca can forget she’s hanging out with a sorority girl as well, so that’s a plus.

 

Somewhere along the way, though, Lila decides they’re actual friends. It’s probably the night Lila goes on a rant about being a virgin.

 

“You made a virginity pact with Griffin, remember?” Rebecca points out. She turns her head to the side, unashamedly staring at Lila. (If she wasn’t so fucking high, she’d do what Lila’s doing and stare up at the sky.)

 

Lila scoffs. “He forced me into that. If he believes I’m going to abide by the pact, he’s dumber than I thought.” She pauses, looking thoughtfully up at the sky. This voice in the back of Rebecca’s head tells her _Lila’s adorable_ , and Rebecca tells that voice to shut the fuck up.

 

That voice, of course, does not listen and comes back with _and that first night you met her, you totally stared at her tits without bothering to hide it. Twice._ And maybe that’s why Rebecca starts to say, “Have you ever thought about –” and cuts herself off, because she knows where that’s going even if Lila doesn’t.

 

“Have I ever thought about what?” Lila asks, and she stops staring at the sky to meet Rebecca’s eyes.

 

“Never mind,” Rebecca mutters, because even high, that is not a road she wants to go down.

 

“Alright,” Lila says, and she’s perfectly content with going on about her life. “Anyway, the virginity pact doesn’t matter. I have my eye on this new guy.”

 

“So you’re going to dump Griffin?”

 

Lila smiles mischievously. “Maybe,” she says in a way that makes Rebecca laugh. Lila laughs with her and adds, “He’s my professor.”

 

Rebecca’s laughter dies. “You don’t really think that’s a good idea, do you?”

 

“I don’t care if it’s a good idea or not. He’s hot.”

 

Rebecca rolls her eyes. “He can’t be that hot. What is he, like, fifty?”

 

“No! Mid forties, late forties. Something like that.”

 

“Because that’s so much better,” Rebecca deadpans.

 

Lila simply smiles. “He’s totally into me, too.”

 

Rebecca sighs and gives up on trying to talk sense into Lila. For one thing, it’s hurting her brain. On some level, though, Rebecca understands that Lila’s not going to stop pursuing her professor unless she absolutely has to. So why even try?

 

(Maybe if she wasn’t high, Rebecca would actually put some effort into talking Lila out of the impending doom this situation promises.)

 

X

 

Lila moves fast; Rebecca will give her that. Less than a week. That has to be some sort of record. Lila, as usual, is on the roof before Rebecca. Lila’s practically bursting by the time Rebecca arrives. Lila’s grinning widely (it has to hurt, Rebecca thinks) and squealing. She actually _squeals_ , and Rebecca remembers why befriending Lila Stangard was a bad idea.

 

“What?” Rebecca questions.

 

“We did it,” Lila says.

 

“Who’s ‘we’?” Rebecca asks, dropping her bag to the ground and sitting across from Lila. She takes the beer offered to her and continues, “Griffin’s sworn a virgin until marriage.”

 

Lila rolls her eyes. “My professor and I. Duh. C’mon, Becca, I thought you were smarter than that.”

 

Right. The professor. How could she have forgotten? “Okay,” Rebecca says slowly. “And?”

 

“It’s not like how all my friends talk about their first time,” Lila says. She goes on about fucking her professor and even dubs him “Mr. Darcy” because he doesn’t want anyone knowing who he is. Apparently, that includes Rebecca.

 

Lila’s phone chimes, and she says, “Oh my God,” and turns the screen towards Rebecca. Rebecca isn’t entirely sure why she laughs. Mr. Darcy’s hung – no denying that – but the fact that he’s sexting the student he’s fucking? Not the best idea. At least his face isn’t in the photo.

 

Lila carries on about Mr. Darcy for a good ten minutes, and Rebecca listens in silence. The more Lila talks, the more Rebecca hates Mr. Darcy, even though it sounds like he’s treating Lila decently.

 

“What about Griffin?” Rebecca eventually asks.

 

“Who cares about Griffin?” Lila laughs, setting her fourth empty beer bottle along with the others. Rebecca’s had one beer and can’t bring herself to have another. She feels…sick. She lies back and stares up at the clear night sky, hoping it’ll ward off the idea of Lila and Mr. Darcy. Mr. Darcy’s hands running down Lila’s body –

 

And then Lila’s lying next to Rebecca, way too close. “You alright?” Lila asks, and Rebecca can hear genuine concern in her voice. Lila’s hand slips into Rebecca’s, and Lila links their fingers together. Rebecca almost wishes she hadn’t; Rebecca’s hand is sweaty and she’s shaking just a little bit.

 

“Yeah. I’m fine,” Rebecca says, and her voice is steady, strong. She sounds so sure of herself when she isn’t. Lila’s too obsessed with Mr. Darcy to notice Rebecca’s lie, of course, but she rests her head against Rebecca’s shoulder and clutches onto Rebecca’s hand with both of hers. Rebecca can feel Lila exhale against her neck, warm and gentle, and she hopes Lila can’t hear her heart pounding painfully in her chest.

 

Lila begins talking again. Maybe it’s about Mr. Darcy, maybe it’s not – Rebecca’s brain isn’t functioning properly anymore. Rebecca must say something witty, though, because Lila laughs and drapes her arm across Rebecca’s bare stomach (thank God for crop tops, huh?) and that is the exact moment Rebecca Sutter knows she’s fucked.

 

(She wishes it was literally, but hey, one step at a time.)

 

Lila drifts off, clinging to Rebecca. Her chest rises and falls against Rebecca’s arm, and maybe this is what friends do. It’s not like Lila’s ever had any physical boundaries with the people she cares about. Hell, with anyone. She’s a touchy-feely person. (Rebecca usually can’t stand those types of people, but Lila’s the exception.)

 

Lila shifts in her sleep, bringing her arm up so her fist lies dead center on Rebecca’s chest. Rebecca doesn’t breathe for a minute. The way Lila’s attached to Rebecca’s arm isn’t exactly comfortable, though, and it snags Rebecca’s attention away from the position of Lila’s arm. Rebecca carefully maneuvers her arm out from underneath Lila and wraps it around her instead.

 

And while Lila sleeps, Rebecca doesn’t. Because Lila isn’t hers. Even though she’s holding the sleeping girl in her arms, she still isn’t Rebecca’s. Rebecca isn’t dumb enough to pretend for even a second Lila could ever be hers. She’s too hung up on Mr. Fucking Darcy even when she grabs onto Rebecca’s hand or lies her hand on Rebecca’s chest. Lila has a one-track mind, and it’s Mr. Darcy.

 

X

 

Lila jolts awake a couple hours later. She lifts her head, her bright blue eyes finding Rebecca’s, and Lila grins as widely as she had been when she told Rebecca about what it was like to fuck Darcy. A smile appears on Rebecca’s face in spite of herself, and Lila scrambles to her feet.

 

“This is way too uncomfortable,” she says, and despite having just woken up, she sounds as cheerful as ever. “C’mon. The others have probably passed out by now.”

 

Rebecca can’t bring herself to argue. Lila holds her hand out, and Rebecca takes it and lets Lila pull her up. Lila immediately tugs Rebecca towards the door, and Rebecca trips over her own feet, stumbling forward.

 

Lila’s right. The other sorority girls are passed out all around the house. It’s quite a sight, considering half of them are topless and surrounded by drugs and (mostly) empty bottles.

 

Lila’s not fazed, and Rebecca’s willing to bet this is a regular occurrence for her. Not for the first time, Rebecca wonders how Lila puts up with this. Lila weaves through the girls until she reaches a closed door. Lila throws the door open and finally drops Rebecca’s hand. Lila groans at the sight of the girl asleep on her floor. She shouts, “Get out!” and the girl jerks awake. “Get out,” Lila repeats but in a quieter voice.

 

“Who knew you could yell at someone?” Rebecca says as the girl exits the room.

 

“You can’t be nice to them,” Lila replies, shutting the door. “They won’t listen if you are.”

 

“Hmm.”

 

“Well, I’m exhausted,” Lila announces. She throws herself down onto the left side of the bed, leaving Rebecca with the right side. “Goodnight,” Lila says.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Rebecca knows for a fact they started out on opposite sides of the bed. She can’t really explain what happened between then and now. It’s kind of like when they were on the roof, but instead of Lila’s hand resting on Rebecca’s chest, it’s Lila’s head. And it’s not entirely comfortable for Rebecca, but she puts up with it because it’s Lila.

 

And here she is, holding a sleeping Lila Stangard for the second time in the same night. _She’s probably dreaming of Mr. Darcy_ Rebecca thinks bitterly. But Lila’s here with her, not Darcy, and Rebecca will take what she can get.

 

X

 

When Rebecca wakes up in the morning (because she does eventually get to sleep again) she’s confused. She has no idea where she is or who’s talking louder than necessary. She blinks a few times and sits up. The bed’s too soft to be hers, and Lila Stangard’s sitting to Rebecca’s right, holding her phone to her ear. She notices Rebecca’s awake and smiles apologetically. So at least she knows she’s too loud.

 

“I have to go,” Rebecca mutters.

 

“Ooh, wait,” Lila says, grabbing Rebecca’s wrist to stop her. “Call in sick to work. We’re going out tonight. I’ll pick you up.” Lila leaves no room for arguments, so Rebecca nods and gets up. “No, it’s just my friend,” Lila says into the phone. “Don’t worry so much.”

 

Rebecca’s gone before she can hear Lila say anything else to Mr. Darcy.

 

X

 

Lila, as promised, shows up at Rebecca’s apartment that night. Well, it’s seven o’clock, and Rebecca’s nowhere near ready for whatever Lila has planned. Rebecca had assumed ‘tonight’ meant sometime after nine at the earliest.

 

“I knew you wouldn’t be ready,” Lila says matter-of-factly when Rebecca opens the door. Lila shoves her way into the apartment.

 

“Come in,” Rebecca says sarcastically, shutting the door. “What are we doing, and does it involve other sorority girls?”

 

Lila rolls her eyes. “No.”

 

“Promise?”

 

“Yes. We’re doing something fun.”

 

“That tells me nothing. By ‘fun’ you could mean we’re playing board games the rest of the night or murdering someone. And, by the way, I’d prefer the latter.”

 

Lila chooses to ignore that comment, her eyes trailing down Rebecca’s body. “Well, at least you’re dressed appropriately. Kinda,” Lila says brightly with a feeble smile. “It’ll be fun. I promise. Just trust me, Bec.”

 

Rebecca sighs, and Lila knows she’s won. Lila squeals (Rebecca should hate that sound, but she _can’t_ ) and rushes forward. She flings her arms around Rebecca’s neck and sways side to side a couple times.

 

“Awesome,” Lila says in Rebecca’s ear. “Tonight’s gonna be great.”

 


	3. Still July 2014

_Still July 2014_

Lila makes the necessary adjustments to Rebecca’s outfit, hair, and makeup. Really she just adds a leather jacket for Rebecca to wear over today’s crop top (yesterday – technically that morning – gave Rebecca a reason to wear them more often) and straightens Rebecca’s hair. The only thing Rebecca allows Lila to do to her makeup is darken it.

 

“Alright. We can go,” Lila declares, admiring her work. She winks at Rebecca and flips her hair over her shoulder. “I’m driving.”

 

“Since when do you have a car?” Rebecca asks, raising an eyebrow.

 

“I borrowed one.”

 

“Oh God. Please tell me you didn’t steal a car.”

 

“I didn’t steal a car!” Lila exclaims, hitting Rebecca in the stomach with the back of her hand. “I’d rather not go to jail for grand theft auto, thank you very much. We’re actually borrowing.”

 

Rebecca’s eyes widen when they land on the insanely expensive, black SUV. “Whose car is that?” Rebecca demands.

 

“Mr. Darcy’s,” Lila answers, hopping into the driver’s seat. She waits until Rebecca’s seated next to her to continue, “His wife’s out of town for the weekend, and he said I could borrow his car for the night.”

 

“This is not a car,” Rebecca points out. “This is a fucking expensive SUV that neither of us can afford if something happens.”

 

“Nothing will happen,” Lila assures, starting up the engine. “So relax.”

 

“Wait, are you sure you can drive?” Rebecca asks.

 

“ _Yes_. God, Becca. You saw my license the first night we met, remember?”

 

“Can you drive well?”

 

Lila pauses. “That’s debatable. Now stop interrogating me.”

 

Lila drives…okay? Maybe that’s the word. She’s a bit reckless and a definite road rager, but they reach their destination alive. They’re in a shadier part of town that Rebecca usually makes a point of avoiding. “Uh, what exactly are we doing?” Rebecca questions as Lila slips the keys into her pocket.

 

“Oh, we have to walk about a block,” Lila says offhandedly. “It’s better to park over here.”

 

“‘Better?’ Do you mean safer?” Rebecca asks, getting out of Darcy’s car. She’s glad. It smells like crappy cologne, and she was beginning to suffocate.

 

Lila smiles sheepishly. “Maybe?” The smile disappears. “What? Scared?” she teases, poking Rebecca in the stomach. Rebecca swats Lila’s hand away, and Lila laughs, linking her arm through Rebecca’s. “You totally are.”

 

“I am not.”

 

“Good. Then you can protect me,” Lila decides, briefly resting her head against Rebecca’s shoulder.

 

“Protect you? You brought us here.”

 

“We are going to have fun,” Lila says forcefully, squeezing Rebecca’s arm.

 

“Yeah, if we don’t die first.”

 

Lila rolls her eyes. Lila leads them to wherever they’re going, and the rest of the walk is in silence, save for the clicking of Lila’s heels. How she can wear those things and not kill herself is a mystery to Rebecca. She’s in much more comfortable Converse and she may or may not have slipped a flask into her pocket when Lila wasn’t looking. Just in case.

 

The flask is unnecessary. Completely unnecessary.

 

“Is this a strip club?” Rebecca questions.

 

“Partially,” Lila admits. “Don’t look so stunned. Look, I know a guy.”

 

“Amazing.”

 

“Stop and listen.”

 

Rebecca tries to listen, but all she hears is _drugs_ and _alcohol_ and _women_ (though there may have been a _we’re not here for the_ in front of that last one). Either way, Rebecca nods in agreement and lets Lila pull her inside by her jacket sleeve.

 

Rebecca immediately gets distracted, and Lila disappears. Well, that’s a problem for later. Rebecca merges into the crowd and frees the flask from her jacket. She’ll be damned if she’s paying for drinks before she finishes off the alcohol she brought with her. She’s not typically a dancer, but drunk…that’s a different story. Then she’s grinding against every guy and girl she can.

 

The music’s too loud, Rebecca’s not nearly drunk enough, and there’s a couple having sex off in the corner, probably convinced no one would notice, but Rebecca does. Almost-drunk Rebecca thinks it’s hilarious.

 

Someone grabs her shoulder, and Rebecca whirls around. “Hey!” Rebecca exclaims, but her voice is lost to the music.

 

Lila leans in, but she still has to practically shout in Rebecca’s ear to be heard. “I found Greg. He’s got – you know.”

 

“Awesome! You go. I think I’m gonna keep dancing and laughing at that couple in the back.” She even points the couple out to Lila.

 

Lila makes a face and advises, “Don’t fuck anyone while I’m gone.”

 

“Got it.”

 

Rebecca watches Lila maneuver through the crowd, shamelessly staring at her friend’s ass. And Rebecca decides she’s done drinking. One of them should stay somewhat sober anyway. Doesn’t mean she can’t dance with sweaty, horny strangers. And watch the strippers. Even if Lila doesn’t think that’s what they’re here for.

 

(Rebecca’s gone back and forth on Lila’s sexuality, and she doesn’t have the balls to just ask. Or talk about her own. And if there’s an easy way to slip _hey, by the way, I’m attracted to women as well as men, what about you?_ into a conversation, Rebecca doesn’t know it.)

 

Rebecca isn’t sure how long she’s been dancing. Long enough to have been groped twice, complimented by a hammered chick on her “insane” stomach (“Like, do you do sit-ups or something?”) and mistakenly kissed by some guy that thought she was his girlfriend. (Said girlfriend then showed up and accused him of cheating, and Rebecca’s pretty sure they broke up.)

 

Lila reappears shortly after that last mess passes. Rebecca is considerably more sober than when they first arrived – maybe. Maybe she just feels a lot more sober because Lila’s seriously shitfaced. It’d be hysterical if she wasn’t Rebecca’s responsibility. Lila can hardly walk properly – the heels don’t help – and she’s laughing about nothing in particular.

 

Lila stumbles into Rebecca who barely manages to catch the girl and not fall. (Falling would be bad. Falling would mean being trampled, likely to death.) Lila isn’t fazed. She wraps her arms around Rebecca’s waist and buries her face into Rebecca’s neck. Lila knows no boundaries sober, but drunk it’s something else altogether. Her arms are around Rebecca’s waist beneath the jacket Lila forced her into, hands gripping at Rebecca’s bare torso. (And damn, her hands are cold.)

 

“Um, hey,” Rebecca says, though she knows there’s no way Lila hears her. Lila lifts her head as if she did, smiling drunkenly. Rebecca raises her eyebrows, shifting uncomfortably. (While Rebecca loves making others uncomfortable, she hates when others make _her_ uncomfortable. Including Lila.)

 

“Hey,” Lila says dreamily, swaying slightly. Her hands shift, pressed flat against Rebecca’s back. “You’re warm,” Lila slurs, and Rebecca strains to hear everything Lila says. Yeah, Rebecca bets she is warm. Warm, not entirely sober, and slightly uncomfortable.

 

“Do you want to sit down or something?” Rebecca asks.

 

“What?”

 

Rebecca repeats herself four times before Lila hears and understands her.

 

“No. No, I’m totally – I’m totally fine, Bec.” Lila giggles. “Just a little drunk.”

 

Major understatement. Rebecca keeps that comment to herself and instead tries to pry Lila’s arms from around her waist. She may be warm, but Lila’s hands are not. Rebecca succeeds, but Lila immediately plants her hands on Rebecca’s shoulders instead, curling her fingers beneath the collar of Rebecca’s jacket.

 

“Maybe we should go,” Rebecca suggests.

 

“What? But we just got here! We’re having so much fun,” Lila whines. “This is much better than hanging with Professor K. He’s always so…serious. Like, why so serious? Ha, Batman.”

 

As Lila rambles on – something about what it’d be like to fuck Batman – Rebecca thinks about the information Lila just inadvertently gave her. “Professor K.” So Darcy’s last name starts with a K. Not the most helpful information, but it’s more than Rebecca knew ten seconds ago.

 

“Would you fuck Batman or not?” Lila asks, and Rebecca snaps out of her thoughts.

 

“Definitely,” Rebecca answers, and Lila nods in contentment.

 

“That’d be fun,” Lila says. “Would you fuck yourself? Oh, wait,” Lila throws her head back and laughs, tightening her grip on Rebecca’s shoulders. Her short nails dig into Rebecca’s skin. “Never mind. But I’d fuck you. Oh my God, I love this song!”

 

Lila’s either so drunk, she has no idea what she’s saying, or she’s telling the truth. Or both. It doesn’t matter which; Rebecca’s heart stops for a few moments anyway. “We really have to go,” Rebecca declares, removing Lila’s hands from her shoulders. Lila fights against Rebecca’s hold on her wrists, her hands planting themselves on Rebecca’s cheeks.

 

“But I’m not ready to go,” Lila complains. “You have such a nice face.”

 

“Lila, you’re fucking wasted,” Rebecca says, as if it’ll snap Lila out of her drunkenness or something.

 

“I am not. I only had, like, two of those iced tea things.”

 

“That wasn’t iced tea.”

 

Lila laughs. “I know.”

 

“Yeah, you’ll be feeling this tomorrow,” Rebecca mutters.

 

“I’ll be feeling who?”

 

“No one. We’re leaving.” Rebecca knocks Lila’s hands away from her face and secures one of Lila’s arms around her waist. “Hang on,” Rebecca instructs. “And try not to kill yourself.” Rebecca guides Lila through the crowd and to the exit.

 

It’s deafeningly quiet outside of the club, and the walk back to Darcy’s vehicle takes way too long. Each step Lila takes is (drunkenly) calculated so she stays balanced on the goddamn heels. It slows them down, but that isn’t what bothers Rebecca (she’d rather not make a trip to the emergency room for a drunk girl’s snapped ankle). Lila depends heavily on Rebecca’s support to stay upright, and she won’t _shut the fuck up_. Nothing she says makes any sense, and she’s breathing in Rebecca’s direction.

 

“You know?” Lila says.

 

“No.”

 

“Follow along, ‘kay?”

 

“Sure. That’s Darcy’s car, right?”

 

“Probably. Hey, it’s August tomorrow, right? I love August.”

 

“Where are the keys?” Rebecca asks.

 

“My pocket. Why?”

 

“I need them.”

 

“Find them,” Lila says, and it sounds like a challenge. Even drunk she makes everything so damn difficult. The pockets of Lila’s jeans are empty and so are the two pockets on Lila’s jacket. Before Rebecca truly thinks they’re stuck in the shitty part of town at eleven p.m., she remembers Lila has pockets on the inside of her jacket. Without warning, Rebecca plunges her hand into the inside of Lila’s jacket. “Hey, watch it,” Lila says, pushing feebly at Rebecca. “Hands off the merchandise.”

 

“Shut up,” Rebecca says, sighing in relief once the keys are free.

 

“You think Darcy’s awake?” Lila asks, grabbing onto Rebecca’s shoulder to keep from falling over.

 

“No. Let’s get you in the car.” Speaking of the car, what should Rebecca do with it? _Not the time for that_ Rebecca tells herself. She unlocks the car and pulls the door open for Lila. She helps Lila up into the seat and is forced to buckle the seatbelt for her, considering Lila probably doesn’t know her own name right now.

 

( _But she knows Darcy’s, and she knew yours._ )

 

Rebecca manages to get them back to her apartment alive. Maybe she’s not entirely sober, but she’s pretty damn close. (Lila didn’t make any sound the whole ride. She passed out a minute after sitting down, which made it much easier for Rebecca to concentrate on driving. The roads were pretty empty anyway.) Rebecca parks Darcy’s car and faces her next two problems: waking Lila and hauling Lila up three flights of stairs.

 

Rebecca unbuckles Lila’s seatbelt before getting out of the car and making her way to Lila’s side. She opens the door and shakes Lila’s shoulder. “Lila, wake up. Lila. _Lila_.”

 

It takes two minutes for Lila to wake up, and the first words out of her mouth are, “Go away. I’m sleeping.”

 

“You can sleep once we’re inside. C’mon, get up. I can’t carry you; it’ll kill me or I’ll accidentally kill you. There you go. You can sleep in a couple minutes. Help me here.”

 

By some miracle, Lila walks up three flights of stairs without killing Rebecca or herself. Rebecca leads Lila directly to the bed, and Lila collapses. Rebecca removes Lila’s heels and tosses them aside. Rebecca ditches her jacket and tells Lila to move over, but that doesn’t seem to be happening. Rebecca’s almost given up on the idea of sleeping in her bed when Lila seizes her arms and yanks her down towards her.

 

It’s amazing their heads don’t slam together. Surprisingly, _that_ is what Rebecca thinks in the moments before Lila Stangard’s lips are against her own. Then her mind just goes blank. Or maybe there are so many thoughts running through her head that she just can’t make any sense of it.

 

Honestly, though, Rebecca isn’t sure this qualifies as a kiss. Lila’s incredibly drunk, and it’s reflected in the incredibly sloppy kiss. The whole Lila being drunk thing is not something Rebecca can ignore. Lila tastes of nothing but alcohol and she’s more aggressive than she’s ever been as far as Rebecca knows.

 

It’s not until Lila’s tongue pushes into Rebecca’s mouth does it really hit Rebecca. Lila has no idea what she’s doing. This is something Rebecca knows Lila’s going to regret – if she remembers anything in the morning, but that’s beside the point. She’s not going to take advantage of her drunk friend. Lila’s hands are already roaming by the time Rebecca snaps out of it.

 

Rebecca pulls back rather forcibly and says firmly, “Lila. Stop.”

 

Lila groans and rolls Rebecca off of her onto the other side of the bed. “You’re no fun,” she pouts. Lila tangles herself in Rebecca’s sheets, leaving Rebecca coverless, and passes out. In some twisted way, Rebecca almost hopes Lila remembers in the morning (if just to tease her about it). Then again, maybe it’d be best to forget this night ever happened.  

 

Rebecca pries her half of the sheets out of Lila’s grasp and sleeps with her back to her friend.


	4. August 2014

_August 2014_

 

Rebecca wakes up to the always lovely sound of someone vomiting in her bathroom. She suppresses a groan and weighs her options. She can pretend she never woke up or she can be a good friend and go make sure Lila’s alright. Rebecca’s battling a nasty headache herself…but it sounds like Lila’s puking her guts up. Rebecca makes a decision and heads into the bathroom.

 

Lila looks like shit, as expected, but Rebecca takes one look in the mirror and stops mentally criticizing her hung over friend. Because wow, Rebecca’s almost as bad. She tears her eyes away from her reflection, staring down at Lila. Lila stops vomiting long enough to look up. Her eyes are bloodshot, her makeup smeared, and she’s paler than usual.

 

“I’m not even going to ask if you’re alright,” Rebecca says. “The answer’s pretty obvious.”

 

“Gee, thanks,” Lila sneers, and she flushes the toilet but doesn’t dare stray from it. Rebecca sighs and gets Lila – and herself – a glass of water. (Rebecca also wants to shower, but it’d probably be insensitive to kick Lila out of the bathroom right this moment.) Lila sets the glass down and asks, “So what the hell happened last night?”

 

Of course. “Well, what’s the last thing you remember?”

 

“Walking into the club.”

 

So there are quite a few gaps for Rebecca to fill in. “You didn’t miss much,” Rebecca lies. “Nothing important. You have to take Darcy’s car back, though.”

 

Lila groans and puts the toilet lid down so she can lie her head on it. Her eyelids flutter shut.

 

“If you’re going back to sleep, do it somewhere else so I can shower.”

 

“Has anyone ever told you how thoughtful you are?” Lila retorts. _No, but someone probably should_ Rebecca thinks. “Take a shower for all I care. I’m not leaving.”

 

“I’m not showering with you in here. Take a bucket and get out.”

 

“Make me.”

 

Hung Over Lila is probably not as strong as Sober Lila or even Drunk Lila. Rebecca gets Lila under the arms and hauls her to her feet. “That’s right. Let’s go,” Rebecca encourages, walking Lila out of the bathroom and back to the bed. “Lie down and close your eyes. I’ll get you a bucket and another glass of water.” She pats Lila on the head for good measure (Lila winces, squeezing her eyes shut) and goes to get the bucket and water.

 

Rebecca showers until the water runs cold, and when she steps out of the bathroom, Lila’s asleep, both the bucket and water untouched.

 

Good. Rebecca’s not up for cleaning any mess Lila’s capable of making.

 

X

 

Days pass, and Rebecca has no contact with Lila whatsoever. Not a text or even any recognition through Facebook. (Yes, Lila forced Rebecca into making an account. Rebecca actually checks it after a day of not receiving any sign of life from Lila.) It’s unsettlingly frustrating to not hear from the girl that’s been so attached to Rebecca since they met.

 

Rebecca’s even considered looking into any professors with a last name starting with “K” at Middleton. Fortunately, that’s not necessary. Otherwise, Rebecca would be interrogating God knows how many professors for information on Lila.  

 

Or she could, you know, text Lila first. But that’s not happening either.

 

Three days go by without any contact with Lila, and maybe Rebecca’s just paranoid, but what if Lila’s doing this on purpose? What if she remembers that night and is trying to ignore it and –

 

Rebecca’s mental conflict is cut off by the sound of her phone ringing. She can’t remember the last time she got a phone call instead of a text. Plus it’s two a.m. and even though Rebecca’s awake, why has someone decided to call her? Rebecca’s surprised to see Lila’s face on the screen. (The only way that picture could’ve gotten there was through Lila. Rebecca has never seen this picture before, and she’s not even sure she’s ever set pictures for people’s numbers. It does mean one thing for sure, though: Lila knows her passcode.)

 

“Hey, loser,” Rebecca greets. She flinches; she hadn’t been intending on calling Lila ‘loser’ but it slipped out. Oops? “What’s up?” Rebecca sounds oddly laidback when she is anything but.

 

“I didn’t wake you, did I?”

 

“No. I’ve been up.”

 

“Will you come to the roof? I have to talk to you.”

 

“Sure.”

 

Rebecca rushes. She walks briskly, and halfway to the sorority house, she starts running, which is ridiculous. Rebecca hates running.

 

It’s only just after two a.m., so the other sorority girls are still up snorting coke – and probably meth – in the living room. They look up, but they’re too high to give a damn about Rebecca’s unexpected entrance. Rebecca doesn’t spare them a glance and heads straight to the roof. Lila’s seated on the edge overlooking the city. Even though her back’s to Rebecca, Rebecca knows Lila’s crying.

 

(Another reason befriending Lila Stangard was a bad idea. She’s too emotional, and Rebecca’s not good at handling it.)

 

Rebecca hoists herself up onto the ledge, straddling it so she can face Lila. “What happened?” Rebecca asks, and her voice is a hell of a lot softer than she’d been expecting. There isn’t much “soft” about Rebecca. (Only when it comes to Lila.)

 

“Darcy wants to end it,” Lila says, attempting to control her tears. “I know I shouldn’t be surprised. They never leave their wives.”

 

Rebecca, though she’d never tell Lila, is elated. She tries to sound sympathetic for Lila’s sake. “But you hoped he would.”

 

“Tell me it’s better this way.”

 

“It’s better this way.”

 

Lila looks over at Rebecca and smiles slightly. “I broke up with Griffin,” she adds. “I’m not upset about that.”

 

Rebecca chuckles. “Good.”

 

It’s not enough to lift Lila’s spirits. The crying starts back up, and Rebecca swings her other leg over the ledge and slides closer to Lila. She can’t bring herself to look at the girl when she reaches over and grasps her hand.

 

After a few minutes passes in silence, Lila says, “We should do something. Something fun, so I don’t have to think about Darcy.”

 

“We did something fun a few nights ago. It didn’t work out so well,” Rebecca reminds.

 

“I know.”

 

She knows? Does that mean she remembers? Rebecca doesn’t ask. Instead, she gets an idea. “I know what we can do,” Rebecca says. “C’mon. You have to put some better shoes on.”

 

X

 

It’s nothing special, really. They just walk to a nearby park at three a.m. Lila brightens considerably, though, so Rebecca decides she’s made the right choice. They sit on the swings, and Lila tells the story of how she broke up with Griffin. Apparently she called him a “Jesus-obsessed control freak” and bitched him out for forcing her into a virginity pact.

 

Rebecca smiles. “I’m so proud of you,” she says with just a touch of sarcasm. She nudges Lila’s arm with her elbow, and Lila rolls her eyes.

 

“I feel free,” Lila declares. “I don’t need Griffin.” She hesitates. “Do you think I can convince Darcy to –?”

 

“To what? Leave his wife? Not leave you?”

 

Lila smiles apologetically. “Something like that.”

 

“Probably not.” _Hopefully not_.

 

“Maybe he’ll change his mind,” Lila says.

 

“Yeah. Maybe.”

 

X

 

Lila shows up at the bar the next night, and the frat boys drool over her now that they know she’s single. She waves them off, declines their offers for drinks, and patiently waits for Rebecca’s attention.

 

“I have to talk to you about something,” Lila says, and she almost seems nervous.

 

“Okay.”

 

Lila leans forward and lowers her voice. “I can’t deal anymore. I just – I can’t do it.”

 

“Okay,” Rebecca repeats. “Anything else?”

 

“Are you free after work?”

 

X

 

Lila drags Rebecca to the pool. It’s a few hours before closing, and there’s no one else there. Rebecca complains halfheartedly, but it’s an excuse to see Lila in a bikini. Lila smiles knowingly when she notices where Rebecca’s eyes are. Lila also proves herself ruthless and shoves Rebecca into the pool. At least she jumps in a few moments later, right as Rebecca surfaces.

 

“You’re a bitch,” Rebecca sputters, and Lila laughs and splashes water at Rebecca’s face. While Rebecca recovers, Lila wraps her arms around Rebecca’s neck from behind, linking her legs around Rebecca’s waist and holding on.

 

Rebecca wonders why they didn’t do this before.

 

X

 

Rebecca’s not stupid. She knows Lila’s using her to get over Darcy, and honestly, Rebecca is completely fine with that. When Lila wants to do something, Rebecca does it. Two days after they go swimming, Lila texts Rebecca.

 

_We’re having a movie marathon tonight at my place. Bring booze._

Rebecca’s not one to disappoint (Lila) and she steals a bottle of the shit she personally hates from the bar. It’s Lila’s favorite.

 

Rebecca arrives at the sorority house to find it fairly empty. Lila’s already on the couch, and she informs, “I already have the movies picked out. You’re gonna like it.” She grins. “Crappy horror movies.”

 

“ _Yes_ ,” Rebecca says, shutting the lights off. She throws herself down on the couch beside Lila and hands her the bottle. “All yours,” Rebecca says.

 

“You hate this,” Lila says.

 

“Yeah. So?”

 

Lila smiles. She starts the first movie which is hilariously bad, and they laugh through the entire thing. The second movie is the same, but Lila underestimated the third. The third movie genuinely freaks Lila out, and she clutches onto Rebecca’s arm at least four times. Not to mention the one time she screams and scares the shit out of Rebecca – but they both promise not to bring that up again.

 

Lila doesn’t make it past the beginning of the fourth movie. She desperately tries to stay awake, and when she fails, her head falls onto Rebecca’s shoulder. This action renders Rebecca unable to get up and use the bathroom, so she waits as long as she can. Not that Lila wakes up once Rebecca finally cracks. Rebecca throws a blanket over her and finishes up the rest of the movies from the armchair.

 

X

 

Lila, for some unfathomable reason, decides she wants to give tennis a shot. Rebecca does her best, but Lila sucks. No other way to say it. Rebecca spends the rest of the day teasing Lila about it.

 

“I have never in my life seen someone play worse than you,” Rebecca says.

 

“Oh, come on! I wasn’t _that_ bad!”

 

“Trust me, you were.”

 

X

 

Lila coerces Rebecca into a game of Monopoly one night, which she soon realizes is a mistake. The third time Rebecca lands on Lila’s most expensive property, she goes bankrupt and flips the board. Lila falls sideways on Rebecca’s bed in a fit of laughter.

 

“It’s not funny! Clean up the damn game!” Rebecca says, and she tries to sound angry, but it’s incredibly hard with Lila’s sidesplitting laughter.

 

“Who knew all it takes to piss you off is losing a game of Monopoly?” Lila says once she pulls it together.

 

“Shut the fuck up,” Rebecca says, pointing a finger at Lila, but she’s fighting a smile, and it gives her away.

 

X

 

Lila tells Rebecca they’re going for a walk. Yeah, a walk right to a bowling alley. It takes Lila five minutes just to convince Rebecca to step inside. (Lila pouts, and Rebecca caves.) As much as Rebecca claims she hates bowling, she nearly breaks two hundred. Lila raises an eyebrow at her.

 

“You hate it so much, but you’re really good?” Lila questions.

 

Rebecca gapes. “Shut up.”

 

“Okay,” Lila says with a smile. (Lila’s score isn’t bad, but it pales in comparison to Rebecca’s. Who knew?)

 

X

 

Lila tries her hand at cooking one night. Rebecca looks on. She finds Lila’s frustration wonderfully amusing…and pretty adorable.

 

“I give up,” Lila sighs after ruining her third attempt at lasagna. “Let’s just order pizza.”

 

X

 

“You’re making this way harder than it has to be,” Rebecca says.

 

“You’re a terrible teacher,” Lila retorts.

 

“Why do you even need to know how to dance?” Rebecca questions.

 

“What if there’s, like, a thing –”

 

“A thing. Very descriptive, loser. If you wanted to be this close to me, you could just ask.”

 

Lila stutters, unable to find words, and Rebecca laughs. “You’re so cute when you’re embarrassed.” She pokes Lila in the cheek, and Lila pushes Rebecca back, huffing and crossing her arms over her chest. “You’re cute when you pretend to be angry, too,” Rebecca teases. “Alright, relax. Let’s try this again. Try not to step on me this time.”

 

X

 

The night of the dancing fiasco, Rebecca lies in bed and stares up at the ceiling. The shit Lila’s been making her do the past couple weeks…they’ve all practically been dates. Maybe Lila doesn’t see it that way, but once Rebecca realizes this, she can’t stop seeing it.

 

Has she been dating Lila Stangard? (Is it possible to date someone without them knowing?)

 

Rebecca’s phone goes off, and she checks the text message.

 

_Mr. Darcy’s decided he’s not breaking it off after all!!!_


	5. September 2014

_September 2014_

Rebecca would be lying if she said she didn’t avoid Lila for a while after receiving that text. (Two weeks, to be exact. Rebecca would also be lying if she said she didn’t feel like she was dying.) She hadn’t known what to send back. After ten minutes of simply staring at the message, she finally typed the message she’d spend another ten minutes trying to send.

 

_Great_.

 

Rebecca felt like that was the word that said everything.

 

_I know!! I’m so happy!_

Even though Lila was happy, Rebecca was not. She couldn’t even be happy that Lila was happy. So maybe the last text she sent to Lila was a bit of a lie.

 

_I’m glad_.

 

X

 

The Middleton bonfire approaches quickly, and Rebecca gives it little thought. She knows the town goes apeshit, and she knows Lila’s been planning on attending. (She also knows Lila’s been planning on dragging her along, but Rebecca doesn’t let herself think about that.)

 

Rebecca gets a new neighbor shortly before. She doesn’t see him often – she doesn’t even know his name. She doesn’t bother to learn it. He’s quieter than her previous neighbor, so he can’t be that bad. (She knows he’s a Middleton student, though. One of Annalise Keating’s. She may or may not have overheard that bit.)

 

X

 

Rebecca scrolls through Facebook, something she never thought she’d do under any circumstance. She always thought Lila was the one too attached to her, but as she stops to look at a picture Lila recently posted, she thinks maybe it’s the other way around. Lila doesn’t need her. She’s an unimportant piece in the life of Lila Stangard. Especially when Lila Stangard’s life currently revolves around Mr. Darcy (and passing her classes, to a lesser extent).

 

Rebecca frowns and logs out of Facebook. Hell, she should delete the account, but she saves that for another day. She lies in bed and thinks about how remarkable it is for her to miss someone she never truly had. Will never truly have. No, she’s lost out to Mr. Darcy.

 

She almost wishes Mr. Darcy’s wife would find out.

 

X

 

Honestly, Rebecca forgets about the bonfire until the night before. She’s reminded the moment she opens her apartment door to see who knocked. Lila’s surprised; she likely thought Rebecca wouldn’t answer. (She probably wouldn’t have if she’d bothered to look through the peephole.) Lila smiles slightly, jamming her hands into her pockets.

 

“Got a minute?” she asks quietly.

 

Rebecca steps aside and lets Lila in. She isn’t quite sure why. Lila takes careful steps, which is odd, because she’s not wearing four inch heels for once. Rebecca shuts the door and faces Lila. “So, what’s up?” Rebecca asks, and she resists the urge to cringe at how stupid she sounds.

 

“The bonfire’s tomorrow,” Lila says.

 

“Yeah.” Rebecca crosses her arms over her chest as the uncomfortable silence falls between them. It doesn’t bother Rebecca the way it so obviously bothers Lila.

 

“Are you still going to go with me?”

 

“Do you still want me to go with you?” Rebecca questions in return.

 

“I wasn’t the one who stopped returning texts,” Lila snaps. “And yes, I still want you to go.”

 

_Say no. Say you can’t._ Rebecca bites her lower lip. She doesn’t know why she keeps putting herself through this. For some reason, she needs it. She needs her.

 

Whoa, wait. She needs _her_? She needs Lila? Did she just admit that to herself? Rebecca shoves those thoughts aside – that’s a problem for another time. Rebecca purses her lips and pretends she’s thinking about her answer. (She already knows she’s going to say yes. She can’t say no to Lila.)

 

“Then I’ll go,” Rebecca says. “Anything else?”

 

Lila hesitates. “No. I’ll just – I’ll leave.”

 

“Wait. Did you walk here?”

 

Lila stares at Rebecca for a few moments before shaking her head. “I’ll stop by at seven tomorrow,” Lila says, and she’s out the door well before Rebecca has the chance to say anything.

 

X

 

Lila keeps her promise and knocks on the door at exactly seven o’clock. Rebecca opens the door, and Lila smiles, holding up a bottle of liquor. “And I actually bought it,” she says, offering the bottle to Rebecca. “So…are we good?”

 

“How much did you pay?”

 

“Like, forty bucks, so we better be good.”

 

Rebecca laughs and sets the bottle aside. Lila grins and holds her arms out. “Nope. Not happening,” Rebecca says, but it doesn’t stop Lila from rushing forward and wrapping her arms tightly around Rebecca’s neck anyway. Lila squeals excitedly, and Rebecca rolls her eyes. She pats Lila on the back a few times and pries her off. “Alright, enough with the hugging.”

 

“Don’t worry. There’ll be plenty more opportunities tonight,” Lila says suggestively, waggling her eyebrows at Rebecca.

 

“Seriously, dude, never do that again.”

 

“Whatever. We have to get ready.”

 

“One, I am not wearing Middleton’s colors. They suck. Two, if you think we are hanging with the sorority girls, you are sorely mistaken.”

 

“They’re too high,” Lila snorts. “No way they’re making it to the bonfire. And I won’t make you wear Middleton’s colors. Wear what you want.”

 

Rebecca studies Lila’s outfit and frowns. “Don’t you want a jacket or something? It’s not exactly warm outside.”

 

“I’m fine,” Lila dismisses.

 

X

 

Lila, naturally, is not fine. Rebecca actually made a good decision, layering her clothes and throwing a beanie on. Lila, on the other hand, begins complaining five minutes out the door. The walk to the bonfire is not a short one, and Lila’s already freezing.

 

“I told you to bring a jacket,” Rebecca says. “So shut up about it.” Rebecca doesn’t miss the way Lila intentionally walks closer to her. Lila bumps against Rebecca every few steps, and frankly it’s annoying. “God, fine! Take my jacket! Just stop walking into me!” Rebecca bursts, fighting her way out of her jacket and shoving it into Lila’s arms.

 

“You didn’t have to do that,” Lila says.

 

“Oh, now you don’t want it?”

 

“I didn’t say that!” Lila slips into Rebecca’s jacket and zips it up to her chin. An unusual warm feeling spreads through Rebecca, and she doesn’t need a jacket anymore. Lila nudges Rebecca’s arm with her elbow. “Thanks for putting up with me,” she says.

 

“Whatever. Just bring your own jacket next time, loser.”

 

X

 

The bonfire is weird. Not so much the bonfire itself, but the people at the bonfire. Almost everyone has a phone in their hand – including Lila – and they’re hanging all over each other. Rebecca, unfortunately (or is it fortunately?) is forced into participating, thanks to Lila. Lila’s cheering with everyone else, phone held out in front of her. She, like so many others, takes pictures with complete strangers.

 

 

Yeah, definitely weird. But it comes to a point where Lila slings her arm around Rebecca’s neck and snaps at least ten pictures. Then she puts her phone away and doesn’t let go of Rebecca for the rest of the night.

 

X

 

They return to Rebecca’s apartment an hour before sunrise. They’re laughing, but Rebecca doesn’t remember why. At some point, Lila’s hand had grasped onto Rebecca’s, and she still hasn’t let go. Rebecca’s neighbor left his door open, and he looks up when they arrive, but they don’t acknowledge each other.

 

“That was fun,” Lila declares once Rebecca shuts the door.

 

“Sure,” Rebecca agrees.

 

Lila grins. “You know every picture I took is totally going on Facebook, right?”

 

“Fuck you.”

 

“You have to buy me dinner first,” Lila replies with a wink. She removes Rebecca’s jacket, draping it over the back of the one chair Rebecca has. “Jesus, it’s cold in here,” Lila says.

 

“Well, _yeah_. You think this place has heating?”

 

“At least sororities are always comfortable.”

 

Rebecca laughs. “You call being surrounded by half naked, constantly high and or drunk girls comfortable?” Rebecca pauses. “Well, you’re fucking your professor. Your judgment clearly isn’t the best. Not to mention –”

 

 

“Not to mention what?” Lila demands. “What else have I done wrong?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Well, obviously it’s something.”

 

Rebecca falters, attempting to figure out the best way to say it without just saying it. “You’re a stupid drunk. Have I told you that?”

 

“No.”

 

“Well, now I have.”

 

“So? What does that have to do with my previous mistakes?”

 

“That night you dragged me to the club –”

 

“Yeah I know,” Lila sighs, dropping down onto Rebecca’s bed.

 

“Yeah, you – wait, what?” Rebecca crosses her arms over her chest, and she wipes the glare from her face. The last thing she needs is Lila thinking she’s angry.

 

“I always remember things,” Lila shrugs. “It all usually comes back during the hangover. I don’t know.”

 

“So you lied.”

 

“So did you! I asked what happened and you said nothing important.”

 

Rebecca bites the inside of her cheek. “Was it important?”

 

“That I acted way out of line? Yeah. You should’ve told me off.”

 

“Whatever. It’s fine,” Rebecca mutters, pulling the beanie off her head. “Let’s just forget about it, okay?”

 

Lila tilts her head to the side. “If that’s what you want.”

 

No, it’s not what Rebecca wants, but she doesn’t exactly want to talk about it, either. Rebecca heads into the bathroom, and after ten minutes of going back and forth on the issue, she bursts back into the room and nearly shouts, “You fucking kissed me, man!”

 

Lila’s too stunned to laugh. “I know,” she says. “I remember. I think I just said that, like, ten minutes ago. You wanted to forget it.”

 

“I don’t want to forget it! But I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

Lila rolls her eyes. “Geez, you’re not complicated at all.” Lila claps her hands together once and lets them fall into her lap. “So? Talk.”

 

“I just said I don’t want to.”

 

“You’re a liar,” Lila says matter-of-factly. “But if I freaked you out, I’m sorry, okay? For some reason, I thought it’d be a good idea…” Lila runs out of words, so she shrugs and smiles. “Your turn.”

 

“I don’t have anything to say.”

 

“You’re such a liar, Bec. At least say you just don’t want to say it. That’s fine. No need to lie. No judgment.”

 

Rebecca’s eyes narrow. “Yeah, I bet. Seriously, I have nothing to say.”

 

(Not _nothing_ to say, just no way to say it. Not only would Rebecca not know where to start, but there’s no way she could say everything without leaving something important out.)

 

“Nothing you want to say,” Lila corrects. “Whatever. It’s fine. But if you want to talk about it later, I’m totally open.” Lila pauses. “My brother’s gay, by the way. Totally cool.”

 

“I’m not gay.” Which is true, but is she lying by exclusion? Lila has literally given her the perfect opportunity to admit she’s bi and move on, but why doesn’t she just say it? Instead she says _I’m not gay_ , so not only does it look like she’s lying but she also seems like a total douchebag.

 

Rebecca can feel the start of a headache, and she kneads at her temples with her fingertips. “I’m not gay, alright?” Rebecca says exasperatedly. She takes a deep breath and finally gets it off her chest. “I’m bi, but I’m not gay.” Her eyebrows furrow. “How’d we even get here?”

 

“Does it matter? And was that so hard?”

 

“Wait, you _knew_?”

 

Lila shrugs. “Someone may or may not have told me.” She smiles sheepishly. “Don’t be mad?”

 

Now it’s Rebecca’s turn to sigh. “I’m not. Why do you have to make everything so damn difficult?”

 

“It’s how I am. Deal with it.”


	6. October 2014

_October 2014_

Rebecca ignores the persistent knocking at her door for five minutes before cracking. She answers the door in a tank top and underwear, mostly because God knows how long it’ll take her to find a pair of pants in the pile of clothes in the corner of the room. Rebecca’s not sure why she’s surprised to find Lila pacing on the other side. It’s not like anyone else ever shows up at her place in the middle of the night.

 

Lila stops pacing and faces Rebecca. She’s obviously been crying, and her voice shakes when she speaks, but she sounds absolutely pissed. “He’s a liar,” she spits.

 

“Who is?” Rebecca grumbles. She reaches forward and pulls Lila into the apartment by the wrist. “Get in here before someone shoots you – or worse.”

 

“He’s a goddamn liar!”

 

“Calm down, and don’t break any of my shit. Who’s a liar?”

 

“Mr. Darcy,” Lila sneers.

 

Rebecca sighs and wearily runs a hand through her hair. “So? You thought he wouldn’t be? Is he not lying to his wife about fucking someone else?”

 

“That doesn’t count.”

 

“Mm, but it shows he was already a liar. He’s just started lying to you, too.” Rebecca pauses. “About what?”

 

“Leaving his wife.”

 

“I thought you already knew he wasn’t leaving his wife. Isn’t that why he wanted to break it off…and then didn’t?”

 

“When he decided not to break it off – he said he just needed time! He needed to figure out how he was going to break it to Annali –” Lila clamps a hand over her mouth, but the damage is done. Rebecca’s jaw falls open, and she can’t speak for a few moments.

 

“You’re fucking _Annalise Keating’s husband_?” Rebecca almost shouts, but she’s drowned out by Lila’s loud _shh!_ “Are you fucking insane?” Rebecca hisses, rushing forward and gripping onto Lila’s biceps. “She’ll fucking kill you!”

 

“Well, it doesn’t matter,” Lila says, wrenching free of Rebecca’s grasp. Fresh tears spring to her eyes. “He’s not leaving her.”

 

“It kinda still matters, Li. If Annalise Keating finds out you’ve been sleeping with her husband – regardless of if you’re still doing it or not – she’ll kill you or – or worse. Isn’t she a defense attorney?”

 

“Yeah, so what? If she wants to kill me, she can, for all I care.”

 

“Don’t even say that.”

 

Lila purses her lips, her chin quavering. She opens her mouth, but she’s cut off by a crash in the apartment above Rebecca’s, followed by yelling and heavy footsteps. Rebecca stares up at the ceiling then shifts her eyes back down to Lila.

 

“You not going back out there,” Rebecca decides. “C’mon. Get out of the coat,” Rebecca unzips Lila’s jacket for her and helps her out of it, “and take off those fucking high heels.”

 

“What’s wrong with my heels?”

 

“What isn’t wrong with them?” Rebecca retorts. “You could kill someone with those things. Including yourself.”

 

Lila huffs, but she kicks the shoes aside. She loses the extra four inches they give her, and Rebecca nearly towers over her. There’s a thud above them, and Lila flinches. “Let’s hope someone’s not being murdered,” Lila says.

 

“Who cares? As long as they can’t pin it on us. No one decent lives in this building.”

 

Lila tilts her head to the side and gives Rebecca a funny look. “You do.”

 

Rebecca laughs. “Wow, thanks for the laugh, loser. I appreciate it, really do. Can I go back to sleep now?”

 

“Yeah. I’ll –” Lila’s phone rings, and she cuts herself off. “I have to take this,” she says apologetically. Rebecca sighs and points at the bathroom. Lila heads in and shuts the door, but it’s pretty pointless, because even though she tries not to, Rebecca can hear every word Lila says to Professor Keating.

 

(“Professor Keating.” No way is Rebecca ever referring to him like that again. In fact, she liked it better when he was Mr. Darcy.)

 

Lila argues with him for a good ten minutes, but the bathroom does help reduce the sound of Lila’s yelling. A little bit. The call eventually ends, and Lila exits the bathroom. She joins Rebecca in the bed, and neither says anything. After a few minutes pass in uncomfortable silence, Rebecca breaks it.

 

“You can do better than him.”

 

Lila shifts from her back onto her side so she’s facing Rebecca’s back. “I know,” Lila says.

 

Rebecca freezes as Lila molds against her back. Lila’s arm snakes around Rebecca’s waist, and Lila exhales. Lila’s asleep within a couple minutes, but Rebecca’s unable to shut her mind off. Once Rebecca gets past the initial shock, she realizes she could get used to this.

 

(But she probably shouldn’t. Lila’s upset and needs a friend. Besides, this is something friends do, right? Maybe?)

 

Rebecca beats down any hope she might have and tries to sleep with Lila’s arm locked around her waist.


	7. Still October 2014

_Still October 2014_

Rebecca wakes up convinced she’s suffocating. But no, it’s just Lila’s head against her chest. Lila’s hand is up by her face, directly over Rebecca’s breast, which isn’t exactly comfortable…but not unpleasant. Rebecca should _not_ be thinking about her friend this way. Especially after whatever went down between Lila and Keating a few hours earlier.

 

Rebecca goes back to sleep and wakes up again an hour later to sunlight and Lila eating a bowl of cereal beside her. “Why the hell are the curtains open?” Rebecca grumbles, shielding her eyes.

 

“Sunlight,” Lila says simply, eating another spoonful of cereal. “You have absolutely no taste in breakfast foods, by the way.”

 

“Don’t complain about my food while you’re eating it. In my bed, I might add.” Rebecca pauses. “Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, fine.” At Rebecca’s pointed look, Lila rolls her eyes. “Seriously, I’m totally okay. Like you said, I can do better. Find someone that actually cares about me.”

 

“Hopefully someone that’s not married.”

 

Lila laughs. “That too.” She makes a face and sets the bowl on the table beside Rebecca’s bed. “Never eat cereal in vodka,” Lila warns, and Rebecca laughs and nearly falls out of bed.

 

“No one claimed you were smart, Stangard,” Rebecca says once she pulls herself together and gets up.

 

Lila shrugs. “Why aren’t you wearing pants?”

 

“You try to find some in that pile in the dark,” Rebecca retorts, pointing to her pile of clothing in the corner of the room. “No way.”

 

Rebecca heads into the bathroom, and when she emerges, she finds Lila sorting through her clothes pile. “I found you at least three pair of pants in less than a minute. You’re just lazy, Sutter.”

 

Rebecca shakes her head. “You’re insane. You gonna do my laundry for me too?”

 

“You wish,” Lila snorts. She stops shuffling through Rebecca’s clothes. “You think the person that lives above you is okay?” she asks.

 

“Probably not. Maybe he murdered her.”

 

“Rebecca! That’s not funny!” Lila exclaims. “What if he did?”

 

“Quit overreacting and throw me a pair of pants, loser. She’s fine. Probably.”

 

X

 

Lila, at least, seems to be avoiding Keating at all costs. She spends a lot more time with Rebecca, which is both a blessing and a curse. Rebecca bartends most days, so Lila follows her there and sits at the bar for hours, going on and on about her homework load, and her sucky teachers, and the cute boys in her class.

 

(Lila genuinely tries to forget about Keating. She slips up sometimes and mentions how Sam – Lila cracks and tells Rebecca his first name – looks at her and how gently he touches her and how he holds her at night when his wife’s away. It makes Rebecca sick, but she puts on a sympathetic expression, nods, and reminds Lila to think about something else.)

 

One night, Lila won’t shut up about this guy, Eric Wellington. He’s in one of Lila’s classes – Lila talks too fast for Rebecca to hear and remember everything – and Lila goes as far as to whip out her phone and show Rebecca the picture he has for his Facebook page. (He friended Lila first, which, according to Lila, is a sign.) He looks like a jock. He’s rather bulky, and half of his pictures are of him flexing shirtless. His hair and eyes are dark, and he probably goes to tanning salons regularly. He has a sharp jawline and a scar above his left eye.

 

He isn’t Rebecca’s type, but she tells Lila that he’s hot and that she should go for it. He’s better than Sam Keating. Lila smiles and puts her phone away, and her enthusiasm from that point on is fake. Her smile is forced, and her eyes are dull.

 

“I’ll think about it,” Lila says, and she stares at her hands as she taps her short fingernails on the bar. (Her nails are painted black. While Rebecca’s nails are always either bare or black, she’s never seen Lila’s any shade near black. Rebecca’s eyebrows furrow, but she makes no comment.) “He’s cute, but I’m not sure I like him yet,” Lila continues, as if she feels she owes Rebecca an explanation.

 

“Go for it or don’t,” Rebecca shrugs, wiping the bar down for the third time. “Just move on. Please.” Rebecca hesitates. “Because it’s weird seeing you like this,” Rebecca adds awkwardly.

 

Lila smiles slightly. “Who knew you had the ability to care about someone?” she teases, poking Rebecca in the stomach. Rebecca swats Lila’s hand away, refusing to let Lila know she’s ticklish (she’d never live it down – Lila’s a relentless bitch when it comes to those kind of things.)

 

“I’ll deny it,” Rebecca warns. “I’ll deny having anything to do with a sorority girl.”

 

Lila laughs, and she’s noticeably happier the rest of the night.

 

While Rebecca doesn’t mind Lila’s company, she can only take so much Lila Stangard in one day. Eventually, the blessing turns into a curse, and back into a blessing once Rebecca’s spent some time alone. (Luckily, Lila doesn’t take it personally.)

 

Rebecca, admittedly, does not handle her problem with Lila’s constant presence well the first time. She sits at her desk, furiously typing an email to another drug dealer she has no choice but to interact with while Lila blabs on about…something.

 

“God, can you shut up for, like, two minutes while I write this email?” Rebecca explodes. She shocks Lila into silence. Neither speaks – and Rebecca doesn’t breathe – for a minute.

 

“Jesus, Bec, you could’ve said something sooner,” Lila says, and she sounds irritated rather than mad. “And nicer.”

 

Rebecca sighs, putting her forehead against her palm. “I’m sorry. I just – I have to finish this and you’ve been –”

 

“Talking nonstop for the past five minutes. I know. I ramble when I get –” Lila cuts herself off and starts talking again as soon as Rebecca looks like she might say something. “Never mind. I’ll just – I’ll go. I’ll see you later, alright?”

 

“You don’t have to leave,” Rebecca says.

 

“It’s fine. I’ll go back to the sorority house for a while. You know, before the others think I’m dead,” Lila jokes, and Rebecca smiles.

 

“Bar tomorrow?” Rebecca questions, biting her lip (nervously, but Rebecca refuses to be nervous – especially around Lila).

 

“See you then,” Lila agrees, slinging her bag over her shoulder. She leaves the apartment, and once the guilt passes (about two minutes later) Rebecca finishes writing the email and sleeps alarmingly well.

 

X

 

Lila shows up at the bar the next day. Rebecca doesn’t know why she thought Lila wouldn’t – Lila would’ve just told her she wasn’t coming if that was the case – but she’s genuinely surprised when Lila walks through the door.

 

Lila sits at the bar, orders a drink, and fends off the frat guys. She tells Rebecca that she’s given up on Eric Wellington – he’s found himself a girlfriend that isn’t Lila – and that she’s moving onto someone else.

 

“Sure,” Rebecca says, knowingly cocking an eyebrow at Lila. “How’s Sam?”

 

Lila’s jaw drops. “Becca! I didn’t mean that! I’m done with him. I swear. I’m totally moving on.”

 

“I saw your phone’s lock screen, Stangard,” Rebecca says, fighting a smile at Lila’s expression. It so clearly reads _stupid, you’re so fucking stupid for letting her see that_. “It’s you and an older guy, so obviously Sam Keating. Tell me you’ve moved on now.”

 

“Okay, so I’m not completely ready to let go. Can you blame me?”

 

Rebecca shrugs. “Maybe not. But you have to move on eventually. Might as well start sooner rather than later.”

 

X

 

When Rebecca sees Lila’s lock screen three days later (okay, maybe she clicks the phone on when Lila runs to the bathroom and leaves it on the bar) the background is different. Rebecca’s taken aback by what Lila’s changed it to.

 

It’s one of the pictures Lila took at the bonfire. The one with Lila’s arm wrapped around Rebecca’s neck, idiotic grins plastered on both of their faces. Lila’s cheeks are flushed, her eyes bright, and Rebecca looks happier than she thinks she’s ever seen herself.

 

The screen goes black, and Rebecca moves away, pretending she never touched the phone. Lila doesn’t suspect a thing – why would she? – and Rebecca finds her opinion of the girl slightly different than it had been two minutes ago. In a good way.

 

X

 

Rebecca works Halloween night, and there’s an unusual amount of people crammed into the bar. She knows drugs are being dealt in the bathrooms – hell, she’s dealing them between serving drinks – and Pete kicks a couple out for having sex in the women’s bathroom.

 

(A sorority girl complains about the couple. Pete sends Rebecca in to break them up – not fun but definitely hilarious – and then Pete kicks them out. Rebecca grabs the girl’s arm on her way out and tells her, “Your boyfriend has a small dick. I’d consider finding someone new.” She enjoys the girl’s offended expression and laughs at random moments throughout the rest of the night.)

 

Lila walks in around eleven, dressed as something Rebecca doesn’t try to decipher, and shoves her way to the bar. She leans across the bar to grab Rebecca’s wrist.

 

“What’s up?” Rebecca says.

 

“I need something better than alcohol,” Lila says. Rebecca raises her eyebrows, and Lila rolls her eyes. “C’mon, Becs. Just because I quit dealing doesn’t mean I quit using.”

 

“What do you want?”

 

“C’mon. You know what.”

 

Rebecca glances to her right at Pete. As far as Rebecca knows, he has no knowledge of her drug dealing. “Later, alright? I’m working.”

 

Lila gives her a _yeah, right_ look and says, “Like you don’t deal in the bathroom during your shift. I’m not stupid. But if you want to wait, alright. I’ve got all night.”

 

Rebecca, though, meets Lila in the bathroom not fifteen minutes later when Pete disappears into the bar. Rebecca hands Lila the coke, takes her money, and goes back to work. When Lila leaves the bathroom, Rebecca isn’t sure if she’s high or not.

 

Lila sits at the bar and props her head up against her hand. She stares at Rebecca longer than what’s socially acceptable and says, “You know, you’re fascinating,” when Rebecca’s close enough to hear.

 

The only thing Rebecca can think of to say is, “Are you high?” and Lila doesn’t even answer. She just laughs this laugh that could be a yes or a no.

 

“I’ll see you later,” Lila promises, gripping onto Rebecca’s hand too tightly. Lila’s fingernails aren’t black anymore. They’re sea green, perfectly painted. “I’m gonna go see what kind of frat boys are here.”

 

“Be careful. And use a condom unless you want chlamydia or gonorrhea or something worse. Not fun. Trust me.”

 

Lila sticks her tongue out. “I will. Jesus, what are you, my mother? And _ew_. I did _not_ need to know that.”

 

Rebecca laughs and makes a mental note to tell Lila that she never had gonorrhea – just chlamydia and it was _one time_.

 


	8. November 2014

_November 2014_

Lila might’ve been high, Rebecca realizes when she returns to her apartment. She opens the door, flicks the light on, and finds Lila and some fucking frat boy _in her bed_. Goddamn it, she just changed the sheets. Luckily, neither is fully undressed, but both are pretty close. Too close.

 

“Break it up!” Rebecca shouts, and they spring apart so fast you’d think she’d shot at them or something. “Get the fuck out of here,” she orders, collecting the frat boy’s shirt and pants and thrusting them into his chest. “Nope, go put your clothes on in the hall, asshole.” She shoves him out and locks the door behind him. “What the hell, Stangard? It’s bad enough you sleep here, but you’re gonna have sex in my bed too?”

 

“Wait, I’m at your place?” Lila says, and she’s actually confused. She laughs. “I thought I went back to the sorority house. Oops. Sorry, Bec. Promise it won’t happen again. But to be fair, we weren’t actually, you know –”

 

“Fucking?”

 

“Yeah, that. We didn’t actually do that yet.”

 

“But you were going to,” Rebecca grumbles. “When I told you to move on, I meant maybe find a boyfriend that’s not married or fifty, or maybe take up a new hobby. I didn’t mean get high and almost have sex in my bed.”

 

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I thought I was at the sorority house.”

 

“Because you’re high,” Rebecca points out. “You probably shouldn’t leave. You’ll get hit by a car or something and then it’ll be on me. Just – put your clothes back on. Please.”

 

“Like you aren’t enjoying the view,” Lila says suggestively, and Rebecca laughs.

 

“You wish. I’m gonna shower, and when I get out, you better have more than that on.”

 

“Jesus, you act like I’m naked or something,” Lila complains. “Maybe I don’t want to wear a shirt. Or pants.”

 

“Your bra has _Hello Kitty_ all over it. I’d put a shirt on,” Rebecca says, and she grins at Lila’s glare before disappearing into the bathroom.

 

“I can’t believe we’re friends!” Lila shouts at the closed door, and Rebecca smiles.

 

It’s always nice to hear Lila call them friends.

 

When Rebecca leaves the bathroom, Lila’s dressed and passed out in the middle of the bed. Rebecca moves her over, waking her in the process. “Thanks for saving me from fucking that frat boy,” Lila murmurs.

 

Rebecca pulls the sheet up to Lila’s shoulders and says, “Yeah, no problem. What are friends for?”

 

She doesn’t miss the smile that crosses Lila’s face.

 

X

 

Lila makes this really adorable face when she studies or concentrates on something. She writes an essay and wears that expression for an hour straight. Rebecca can’t stop staring. (Lila’s too engulfed in writing a paper that isn’t complete bullshit to notice, and maybe that’s why Rebecca just doesn’t tear her eyes away.)

 

When Lila finishes writing the paper and edits it – twice – she announces, “I think Sam hates me.”

 

Rebecca swivels around in her chair to face her bed. Lila sits cross-legged, papers strewn on the bed around her. At some point, she’d removed her jacket and her Middleton hoodie, both of which are lying on Rebecca’s pillow. Her hair’s tied up, and she’s wearing glasses instead of contacts which is new for Rebecca. (She’s only seen Lila in glasses a couple times before.)

 

“Why?” Rebecca asks, crossing her arms over her chest while she tries not to stare at Lila’s.

 

(But the tank top is tight and hugs Lila’s body in all the right places, and it’s not like Rebecca’s ever rigorously denied her attraction to Lila. She just doesn’t like thinking about her friend like that. Not that it really matters. It’s not like Lila can read minds. Rebecca thinks Lila knows, anyway. Maybe Lila thinks Rebecca’s only physically attracted to her and that’s why she hasn’t said anything. Or, on the other hand, she’s so fucking oblivious and thinks Rebecca could never like her as anything more than just a friend.)

 

“This is the second paper he’s assigned this week,” Lila says, biting her lower lip, and Rebecca hates how sexy she thinks it is. “He only assigned one paper before. I think it’s me. He refuses to look in my direction, too.”

 

Rebecca can’t believe what she’s about to say. “Or he still likes you,” she offers, mentally beating herself up. Even if it’s just to make Lila feel better, she still detests the words leaving her mouth and has the urge to strangle herself to make them stop. “And he can’t bear to look at you.”

 

Lila smiles sadly, shutting her laptop and gathering her papers. “Maybe.” She hesitates, as if she’s afraid to say whatever’s next.

 

“What?” Rebecca prompts. “Don’t tell me you slept with him again.”

 

“No! No, definitely not. But he pulled me aside before class right after we split it off. He apologized and said he didn’t want to end it but…I don’t know. It’s stupid. I’m stupid.”

 

“No. You’re not.”

 

“He doesn’t want me,” Lila says quietly, uncrossing her legs and pulling them to her chest instead. She looks so much smaller when she sits like that. She looks so much more vulnerable. It makes Rebecca want to shield her from the horrors the world has to offer. “I mean, he does, but just for the sex. He pretends he cares, but if he really did, he would’ve left his wife.”

 

“Like I said. You can do better, Li.”

 

“I know. It’s still hard to accept, especially when I was so attached to him.”

 

Rebecca gives Lila a quizzical look. “What’s hard to accept?”

 

“The fact that I cared about him so much more than he ever cared about me. He’s a liar. He pretends he cares, pretends he loves me. He makes it so hard to let go. But I want to. I do. I just – I have to get through his psych class, and then I can move on for good.”

 

Lila puts her stuff away and pulls her hoodie on. She sets her jacket aside, takes her glasses off, and curls up into a ball on the right side of Rebecca’s bed. She’s out within moments, and Rebecca kills the lights while imagining ways to kill Sam Keating and make it look like an accident.

 

(She could never kill someone. In her mind, sure, but not for real. She’s not particularly a fan of blood. She knows she couldn’t live if she murdered someone.)

 

That night, she doesn’t dream about killing Sam. She doesn’t dream about Sam killing her. She dreams about Sam killing Lila and not being able to do anything about it. She jolts awake, breathing heavily and sweating despite the cold weather – which means cold apartment.

 

She decides she could kill Sam Keating if he killed Lila Stangard. But only if that happened. Which it won’t. She’ll protect Lila, Rebecca decides. Always. She looks to her left. Lila’s still asleep, unaffected by Rebecca’s sudden awakening. She isn’t curled into a ball anymore. She’s on her stomach, face turned towards Rebecca with one of Rebecca’s pillows tucked under her arm.

 

Rebecca slowly reaches out for her but pulls her hand back before she makes contact. The dreams were vivid. Too vivid. Rebecca gets up and drinks a glass of water, and by the time she returns, Lila’s sitting up and alert.

 

“What’s going on?” Lila yawns, and maybe she’s less alert than Rebecca thought.

 

“Nothing. Just needed water. Go back to sleep.”

 

“No. Something’s wrong. I can see it on your face,” Lila frowns.

 

“No you can’t, you liar. It’s too dark.”

 

“Ha! So you admit something’s wrong?”

 

Damn it.

 

Rebecca groans and drops back onto the bed. “Just a nightmare. I’m a big girl, Stangard. I can take care of myself.”

 

“You wanna talk about it?”

 

“Not really.”

 

“Okay,” Lila says. She lies back down and moves the pillow she’d had her arm around out of the way, sliding closer to Rebecca.

 

“Personal space, Lila,” Rebecca reminds. “I’d rather not fall off the bed. _Again_.”

 

“Geez, I already apologized for that. And I’m still on my side of the bed.”

 

“Barely.”

 

“Fine,” Lila huffs. She quickly seizes Rebecca’s hands, intertwining their fingers, and moves back onto her side, pulling Rebecca’s hand with her. Rebecca opens her mouth to – to what? Argue? Ask Lila why she’s holding her hand? Tell her something crazy like _I think I might love you_?

 

Rebecca freezes. No. She loves Lila, sure, but not like that. Can you even love someone _like that_ if you’ve never dated them or anything? (That is not a question Rebecca wants answered unless the answer is a firm and unwavering _no_.)

 

“You sure you don’t want to talk about it?” Lila questions. “You seem pretty freaked out. You’re sweating, Bec.”

 

“I –” Rebecca stops herself from saying ‘I’m fine’ because one, that’d be a lie, and two, she can’t lie to Lila over something like this.

 

(But how will she tell Lila about her nightmare? How does she even start that sentence? ‘Hey, I dreamt that Sam murdered you and I couldn’t do anything about it.’ What would Lila say to that?)

 

“It’s not something I want to talk about,” Rebecca mutters.

 

“It was about me, wasn’t it?”

 

Rebecca bites back the instinctive _no!_ “How’d you know?”

 

“Because you keep refusing to talk about it. What happened?”

 

Rebecca bites down on the inside of her cheek hard enough to draw blood. She swallows and decides to just say it. “I dreamt Sam murdered you. And I couldn’t do anything about it.”

 

Lila’s silent for a good two minutes. Whatever she was expecting, it definitely wasn’t that. “That’s not going to happen,” Lila finally says.

 

“It’s not totally farfetched. Things like that happen all the time.”

 

Lila tightens her grip on Rebecca’s hand. “It’s not going to happen.”

 

Rebecca has no choice but to believe her.


	9. Still November 2014

_Still November 2014_

Lila doesn’t mention Rebecca’s dream once morning rolls around. Maybe it’s because Rebecca’s barely awake and Lila has to get to class, or maybe it’s because Lila understands that Rebecca really does not want to talk about it.

 

Lila slides out of the bed without letting in too much cold air and takes a quick shower. Rebecca’s half asleep when Lila leaves the bathroom, but she can see Lila didn’t bother to take clothes in with her. (Lila half moved into Rebecca’s apartment a couple weeks ago. She bought a second toothbrush to leave in the bathroom and has half of her wardrobe shoved into the one drawer Rebecca managed to clear out for her.)

 

Lila holds the towel to her chest and rummages through the drawer for something decent to wear. When Rebecca opens her eyes, they land on the expanse of Lila’s bare back, and she quickly snaps her eyes shut again. She tries to fall back to sleep, but with the way her heart’s hammering in her chest, there’s no way that’s happening.

 

(At least the nightmares went away after her little chat with Lila. Maybe it was because Lila held her hand the rest of the night. Either way, she dreamt about a talking cat that liked pickles, so Rebecca should probably cut back on her coke intake because it’s fucking with her.)

 

Rebecca startles out of her half sleep when a cool hand presses to her forehead. Her eyes find Lila’s, and Lila smiles gently. “I have to go to class,” she whispers, brushing Rebecca’s hair out of her eyes. “I’ll see you later, ‘kay?”

 

Rebecca wants to tell her how stupid saying ‘kay’ instead of ‘okay’ is – it’s literally one more syllable; not that hard – but instead she murmurs, “Alright,” as her eyes close again.

 

Lila combs her fingers through Rebecca’s hair once and ducks down, quickly kissing Rebecca on the forehead before collecting her stuff and heading to her class.

 

Rebecca falls back to sleep and dreams about dating Lila. It’s almost scarier than helplessly watching Sam murder her.

 

X

 

Lila does her fair share of staring. She probably thinks Rebecca doesn’t notice, but after a while, Rebecca catches on. Lila can only quickly avert her eyes so many times before Rebecca realizes she’d been staring moments before. When she does see Lila staring out of the corner of her eye, Lila usually has this unusual expression on her face. It’s like a cross between puzzlement and utter fascination.

 

(It makes Rebecca self-conscious. Not to mention fidgety, and sometimes she stammers when she talks at first, but it doesn’t rival the way Lila’s face flushes whenever Rebecca catches her staring.)

 

The way Lila stares, though…it’s different than before. It’s more intense – more like she’s trying to solve a math problem. It’s a bit curious, too.

 

It’s not something Rebecca understands.

 

X

 

The staring changes. It’s weird, but it totally does. Eventually, Lila appears less puzzled and more fascinated. Other times, she’s more awestruck and amazed. Sometimes, though, she’s downright – Rebecca doesn’t like the word she comes up with.

 

(Lustful. The word is lustful, and Rebecca knows she has to be wrong. But it’s really hard to ignore the instances where Lila’s eyes are drawn to Rebecca’s chest, even if just for a moment. Or the way Lila watches Rebecca’s hands, which is definitely more subtle but also definitely there.)

 

Rebecca combats it by clearing her throat or changing the direction of the conversation, and Lila’s eyes usually lift, sometimes accompanied by a smirk that Rebecca can’t read.

 

Rebecca thinks Lila might be intentionally fucking with her. Honestly, she just doesn’t know.

 

X

 

One night, despite being November, is fairly warm, so the apartment is fairly warm. Lila and Rebecca sit on the floor, a bottle of scotch between them. They take turns drinking straight from the bottle. Lila leans back against the bed, legs stretched out in front of her.

 

“So, I’ve been thinking,” Lila says, and she doesn’t slur her speech, so she isn’t that drunk. Probably just a bit buzzed like Rebecca. Rebecca caps the bottle and sets it aside.

 

“Uh oh. That’s not good,” Rebecca says, and Lila rolls her eyes and nudges Rebecca’s leg with her foot.

 

“No, seriously, I talk about guys I think I might like all the time – including Sam – but you just…don’t. What’s up with that?”

 

“There’s no one I like,” Rebecca says simply, which is a lie, but she’s not about to declare _you, I like you, please like me back_. “If you had my job, you’d stop liking people, too.”

 

“Please. You have to like _someone_.”

 

“Says who?”

 

“C’mon, Becs. You know you do. Just spill.”

 

Easier said than done. She’d love to, but she knows it’d make everything weird if not nonexistent. “There’s no one,” Rebecca insists. “So don’t try to set me up or something.”

 

“Well, one of the sorority girls _totally_ has a crush on you and won’t admit it –”

 

“Oh, God, there’s no way I’d date a sorority girl.”

 

Lie. She wouldn’t date any sorority girl, but hey, Lila’s a sorority girl and she wouldn’t say she wouldn’t date Lila if Lila was on board with it. (Duh.)

 

Lila, though, looks comically offended by Rebecca’s comment. She puts her hand over her heart and says overdramatically, “I am deeply offended by your words, Rebecca Sutter. I am a sorority girl.”

 

“So?” Rebecca challenges. “You want to date me?”

 

“Even if I did, you just said you wouldn’t. You’re – you’re racist against sorority girls.”

 

Rebecca laughs so hard, she falls to the side, slapping her hand against the floor a couple of times. “Jesus, Lila, how drunk are you?” she says, sitting back up and wiping the laughter-induced tears away. “It’s not racism if it’s not directed towards a race. And, last time I checked, ‘sorority girl’ is not a race. And I’m not even completely white.”

 

“So what? Same concept.”

 

“No, not really. You really shouldn’t be allowed to talk about those kind of issues drunk.”

 

“I am not _that_ drunk, and don’t think the change of subject made me forget that you just asked me on a date.”

 

“What?” Rebecca says indignantly. “I did not!”

 

“Quote, ‘So? You want to date me?’ End quote. You so asked me out.”

 

“I was being sarcastic, you moron.”

 

Lila crosses her arms over her chest and smiles smugly. “You still asked me out.”

 

Rebecca rolls her eyes. “Sarcastically.”

 

“So what? I’d say yes as long as you’d pay.”

 

Rebecca fake-gasps and puts her fist over her heart. “Well, we couldn’t ever let _Lila Stangard_ pay on a date, now, could we?”

 

“Shut up. I totally pay on dates. Sometimes.” Rebecca laughs, and Lila smiles. “So,” Lila says, twirling a lock of her hair around her finger. “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?”

 

“If you’re going to ask me on a date –”

 

“No! You don’t date sorority girls, remember?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, what about Thanksgiving?”

 

X

 

If it had been anyone but Lila, she’d have said no. Rebecca does not want to spend Thanksgiving with a bunch of drugged up sorority girls, but Lila practically forces her into it. Meaning she uses guilt to manipulate Rebecca into saying yes, but Lila seems surprised when Rebecca shows up.

 

“Hey! I’m glad you made it,” Lila says, grabbing Rebecca’s arm and pulling her inside. “Some of the girls have left,” Lila informs. “Went to have Thanksgiving with their families, but that’s no fun. Especially when your family doesn’t get along very well. We’re working on dinner.” Lila hesitates. “But I can’t promise it’ll be good.”

 

“I didn’t expect it to be,” Rebecca grumbles. “That’s why I brought coke.”

 

Lila playfully punches Rebecca in the arm. “Don’t even bring that up or they’ll mug you.”

 

“How else am I going to get through tonight?”

 

X

 

Honestly, it’s not even that bad. (Rebecca will never admit it to Lila, of course.) The sorority girls are unbearable, as expected, but sometimes they’re funny. One of the girls passes out drunk at the table and slides out of her chair. Two of the girls sigh and one exclaims, “Jesus, Rachel! This is the third time this _week_!” They then proceed to drag Rachel to the couch, and Lila follows with a bucket, which is never a good sign.

 

The two that dragged Rachel into the living room then return and almost immediately get into an argument over who Rachel’s current boyfriend is. Apparently she goes through boyfriends quickly. (Lila leans towards Rebecca and whispers, “They’re both wrong,” and they burst into a fit of giggles, totally uncharacteristic of Rebecca.)

 

Near the end of dinner, Rebecca directly addresses a girl Lila tells her is named Elizabeth, and Elizabeth turns an interesting shade of crimson. Lila smiles and nudges Rebecca in the ribs. (“Liz is the one with the gigantic crush on you. Obvs,” Lila says later, and Rebecca tells her to never say ‘obvs’ again.)

 

Rebecca sticks around for desert and stays another half an hour before calling it quits. Rachel’s awake and puking into the bucket from the couch, Elizabeth has retreated to her room in embarrassment, and the two that had been fighting at the table – Allie and Tess – have started doing lines of coke off the table.

 

“Ooh, I’ll walk you home,” Lila volunteers, grabbing her jacket.

 

“When did we start dating?” Rebecca questions, and Lila rolls her eyes.

 

“Shut up.” Lila links her arm through Rebecca’s and leads her outside. “It’s not like they know where I stay when I’m not here. They don’t care.”

 

“So?”

 

“So they don’t think we’re fucking.”

 

Rebecca sputters. “I didn’t think they thought that.”

 

“Well, now you know they don’t. Well, except for maybe Liz, but she’s a jealous bitch.”

 

“I can hardly be friends with a sorority girl, let alone date one.”

 

Lila sighs, still clutching onto Rebecca’s arm as they walk. She’s silent for a couple minutes, but Rebecca knows she wants to say something. “Thank you,” Lila finally blurts out. “Thank you for actually showing up.”

 

“You thought I wouldn’t?”

 

“I didn’t know if you would,” Lila corrects. “I know you don’t like sorority girls.”

 

Rebecca bites her lip, knowing she shouldn’t give Lila the satisfaction her words will bring. “Yeah, but I like you,” Rebecca says. “So I showed up.”

 

“Aw. That might be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. Here I was thinking you merely tolerated me.”

 

“Maybe that’s it, then.”

 

Lila grins. “I know it’s hard for you to admit to even tolerating people…so thank you. I must be a pretty damn good person then, huh?”

 

“Don’t push it.”

 


	10. December 2014

_December 2014_

Lila Stangard is not a Philadelphia girl, that’s for sure. She can’t stand the cold. (She’s from California. Lila told Rebecca one day on the roof. It’s been cold since September, according to Lila, and they haven’t been up there in a while.) Also, starting December 1st, Lila worries about her plans for Christmas.

 

“I mean, I already ditched Thanksgiving. I lied and said I was sick when I really just didn’t feel like dealing with my family’s shit this year,” Lila frets, lying on her back on Rebecca’s bed, eyes set on the ceiling. “I can’t say the same for Christmas, but I don’t want to fly across the country to see people that hate each other.”

 

“Then don’t,” Rebecca says, and Lila’s pointed look tells Rebecca that she gave the wrong advice. “What? You don’t have to subject yourself to that. Save yourself the money and trouble and stay here.”

 

“I wish. I’m sure my mother will call me within the next couple days and demand to know when exactly I plan on flying in.”

 

Rebecca sighs. “Sorry, loser. I don’t have these problems.”

 

(Lila’s father was crazy. Not like quirky crazy but like actually insane. They don’t know why he went insane – and if they do, they didn’t tell Lila – but he murdered a coworker before killing himself when Lila was six. Lila’s mother’s a bitchy, judgmental control freak that holds grudges forever, which is why she hates her siblings. Lila’s siblings are all super successful overachievers minus the one in prison for – get this – drug dealing.)

 

Lila’s eyebrows knit together. “Why?”

 

“Why what?”

 

“Why don’t you have these problems?”

 

“Um, because my family’s so fucked up that we don’t do holidays together. Never have, never will. So I’m staying here.”

 

“I don’t think I know anything about your family.”

 

“There’s nothing to know,” Rebecca says, and she tries to think of a place to start. “My parents were never married. They dated, my father knocked my mother up, and he dumped her. She raised me alone, but she didn’t really care. She was a sex addict, so she brought home a lot of men. She drank quite a bit, too, and swerved off the road one night and hit a tree head on. Didn’t survive that. I have no idea where my father is. My grandparents are dead – at least, on my mother’s side. No siblings, my aunts, uncles, and cousins pretty much want nothing to do with me –” Rebecca stops talking, as if she just realizes everything she’s said. “So I’m alone for the holidays. It doesn’t matter.”

 

“It does,” Lila says quietly. Rebecca hates the way Lila’s looking at her now. She hates the pity etched into Lila’s features. Rebecca rolls onto her side to face Lila (Lila had shifted onto her side facing Rebecca halfway through Rebecca’s story). Lila takes a deep breath and says, “I’ll stay here for Christmas. With you.”

 

“You don’t have to.”

 

“I can’t stand my family. Of course I’m staying. When my mother calls, I’ll just tell her I’m not coming home because I don’t want to.”

 

Rebecca doesn’t argue. Instead, she turns the light off and says, “Goodnight,” effectively ending the conversation.

 

X

 

Neither Rebecca nor Lila sleeps well. Rebecca’s back to the Sam Keating nightmares (in this one he tries to kill both Rebecca and Lila, but Lila isn’t dead – long story short, she ends up bashing Keating’s skull in with some sort of trophy; Rebecca forgets by the time she wakes up). Whatever Lila’s dreaming about, it can’t be good. Her face is scrunched up, her hand balled into a fist, and she’s murmuring incoherent words in her sleep.

 

(Rebecca thinks she hears ‘no’ and ‘stop’ but everything else is impossible to understand.)

 

“Lila,” Rebecca says, shaking Lila’s shoulder. “Lila, wake up. You’re having a nightmare.” Lila’s eyes pop open, and she gets a death grip on Rebecca’s bicep. “Um, ouch. Lila, let go before you leave marks.”

 

“I was – I dreamt – you were – I couldn’t –”

 

“You’re not making any sense,” Rebecca says, prying Lila’s fingers off of her arm. “C’mon, loser, use your words.” Lila bursts into tears, startling the hell out of Rebecca. “Jesus Christ!” Rebecca nearly shout. “What the hell’s wrong?”

 

Lila grabs onto Rebecca’s arm again (not as tight as before, so Rebecca lets her) and sobs, “You were dead. You were dead, and there was nothing I could do about it.”

 

“Okay,” Rebecca says slowly. “But I’m fine. I’m alive. So…let’s calm down, alright?”

 

Lila pulls it together, swiping the tears away, and says, “Has anyone ever told you you’re good at comforting people?”

 

“No.”

 

“Good, because you are really terrible,” Lila says with a small giggle. It falls silent for a while. “It was Sam,” Lila whispers. “He killed you.”

 

“Now you know how I felt.”

 

“He wouldn’t do that,” Lila defends. “So I don’t know why –”

 

“Are you sure we’re not psychic or something?”

 

“He’s not like that.”

 

“What do you care? You two are over.”

 

“I know.”

 

Rebecca isn’t sure why Lila sounds so sad – is it because of the nightmare or because she’s not with Sam anymore? Rebecca doesn’t ask.

 

Lila’s hand is still on Rebecca’s arm. She drums her fingers against Rebecca’s bicep, her eyes searching Rebecca’s face for – for what? Rebecca finally decides she’s just going to ask why Lila’s been staring so much lately. If anything, Lila will get all flustered and deny it and hopefully fall back to sleep.

 

Yeah, that doesn’t happen.

 

Rebecca doesn’t get the chance to open her mouth let alone speak. Lila surges forward, her left hand going to Rebecca’s cheek as she crushes her lips to Rebecca’s. Because while it’s soft – and not as sloppy as that night Lila was shitfaced – it is definitely not gentle. (Which is funny, because Lila’s always seemed so gentle, but Rebecca’s not right about Lila all the time.)

 

Rebecca’s too surprised at first to do much of anything. Lila’s eyes are shut, but Rebecca has to force hers to close so she can focus and _kiss back, goddamn it_. Rebecca actually listens to herself, but another thought tugs at the back of her mind.

 

 _What if Lila doesn’t really want this? What if she’s upset and just needs someone and you’re all she has? What if she needs comfort and you’re so shitty at comforting people that she thought_ this _would be better? What if she regrets this? What if – ?_

Lila pulls back – and maybe Rebecca was wrong; maybe she can read minds – and breathes, “Stop being so fucking paranoid, Sutter, and _kiss me_.”

 

Well, Rebecca’s always been one to give Lila what she wants (most of the time). And this is something she actually wants to comply with. So she does as she’s told, and she hopes her heart holds out. It pounds in her throat, and she thinks she might be feeling a little lightheaded if not faint.

 

She’s kissing Lila Stangard.

 

(The thought hasn’t really registered with Rebecca’s brain yet. If she’s not careful, she might stop breathing.)

 

Lila rolls onto her back and groans, “What the hell are you waiting for?”

 

So Rebecca takes the (not-so-subtle) hint and rolls on top of Lila. Lila yanks Rebecca down to kiss her again, and Rebecca pulls back to say, “Wow, impatient much?”

 

“Shut _up_ , Becca! God, do you hate me?”

 

“ _Obvs_ ,” Rebecca mocks, but it turns into a totally unexpected groan when Lila grabs onto her ass. Lila’s hands don’t stay there long – they don’t stay anywhere long. Lila slides her hands up Rebecca’s shirt (and _damn_ , Lila’s hands are cold, but Rebecca doesn’t even care; she’s not even sure she’s awake) and she tries to get the shirt off, but she’s struggling.

 

Rebecca laughs and takes it off herself, tossing it aside. “You sure you’ve had sex before?” Rebecca teases.

 

“Shut up,” Lila growls.

 

Rebecca hesitates. “You sure you want to do this?”

 

“God, Becca, _yes_. Are you really oblivious or just stupid?”

 

“I’m not even sure I’m awake.”

 

Lila grins. “Oh, trust me, you are. You’re so cute when you’re unsure of yourself.”

 

“I am _not_ unsure of myself.”

 

“You so are.”

 

“Says the girl who’s slept with, what, one person? And it was a fifty year old man.”

 

“Forty eight, and I’m a fast learner.”

 

Lila flips Rebecca onto her back, completely taking her by surprise, and she’s right.

 

She’s a fast learner.

 

X

 

Rebecca knows she’s not dreaming, but she thinks it might be easier to handle if she was. (Well, she’s dreaming, Lila’s slept with a woman before without telling her – and Lila tells her _everything_ ; too much, really – or Lila is a very lucky person, because there’s no way she’s that good without any practice whatsoever. Lila’s probably just lucky.) Rebecca wakes up in the morning and is smacked with reality.

 

She slept with her best friend. Like, for real.

 

 _It’s going to be weird_ Rebecca thinks, squeezing her eyes shut. _Oh my God, it’s going to be so weird, and then we’re just – we’re done. How do I – how do I not fuck something up for once? How do I hang onto someone I don’t want to lose? How do I –?_

“What’s going on?” Lila asks gently. “I can see your mind racing. Spill.”

 

Rebecca grimaces.

 

“Oh God. You regret it, don’t you?”

 

“What? No. _No_. I do not. Stop making assumptions.”

 

“I can’t help it, especially if you’re going to keep whatever’s going on in here,” Lila waves her hand over Rebecca’s head, “to yourself.”

 

“I – I, uh –” Rebecca loses her train of thought when she realizes they’re both in the same bed. _Naked_.

 

“C’mon, loser, use your words,” Lila says, throwing Rebecca’s words back at her. “Or wait, are you speechless? Like seriously? I’m _so_ amazing, I made you lose your ability to speak?”

 

“No, I am not speechless. Give me a second to think.”

 

“I already did.”

 

“Well, then, move over. I can’t think with you pressed up against me.”

 

Lila giggles, wrapping her arm around Rebecca’s waist. “Just what’re you thinking about? It’s not a hard question.”

 

“I don’t remember.”

 

“Liar.”

 

“It wasn’t important, alright?” Rebecca assures her. “Now it’s not even seven a.m. I need to sleep more.”

 

“Well, you don’t _need_ to. You could always –”

 

“Trust me. After last night, I need to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I screwed with Lila's family history, mostly because I couldn't remember much about her family when I wrote it. I guess that's why this is an AU.


	11. Still December 2014

_Still December 2014_

Surprisingly, Lila doesn’t get weird. Actually, Rebecca feels like it’s weird that Lila doesn’t get weird. They still do a lot of the same things. They hang out too much, sleep in the same bed, tease each other – now they just added holding hands too often and having sex. It’s amazing how little things have changed.

 

(Except Rebecca’s blatantly happier and Lila seems a lot less stressed.)

 

X

 

When Lila’s mother calls to ask her when she plans on flying out for Christmas, Lila tells her, “I’m not coming home for Christmas.”

 

X

 

Lila still talks about Sam Keating. (Maybe it’s because they aren’t officially a thing. Neither has said anything in regards to that minor problem. Rebecca’s thought about it, sure, but whatever this thing is currently is better than not having Lila at all.) Usually it’s in passing. Something like _so, Sam assigned us another paper_ or _Sam kept looking in my direction today – it was totally noticeable._

(She always says _Sam_. Not _Professor Keating_ or even just _Keating_. To her, he’s Sam.)

Rebecca, at first, isn’t completely sure why Lila mentions these sort of things. (Except she is sure. Lila hasn’t moved on. Lila probably won’t move on. Not anytime soon. Hell, she doesn’t _want_ to move on. Rebecca doesn’t think she can compete with Sam Keating. He’s older whereas Rebecca’s younger than Lila by exactly two months. He’s married, and Lila seems to have a thing for having to see someone secretly. Plus he’s a man and Rebecca’s a woman, which really isn’t her fault, but she knows Lila leans more towards men.) Rebecca listens, though, and is encouraging and reminds Lila to move on.

 

Lila pretends she has moved on. Her uncontrollable urge to bring up Sam whenever applicable gives her away. (Rebecca doesn’t say that. It’d just piss Lila off, and she’d probably return to the sorority house. Rebecca wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t so damn cold without her.)

 

X

 

A week after Lila decided she wanted Rebecca (that’s how Rebecca has decided to refer to it, even if that is a little bit optimistic) Lila brings up something Rebecca almost wishes she’d leave buried.

 

“You’ve totally liked me since, like, the beginning,” Lila says, arching an eyebrow at Rebecca, daring her to deny it.

 

“What? I hated you,” Rebecca counters, and Lila laughs.

 

“You can act like you hated me, but you totally had a crush on me.”

 

“Gross! How could I ever like a sorority girl without getting to know her first?”

 

“Just admit you liked me from the beginning and I’ll let it go.”

 

“But I didn’t like you from the beginning,” Rebecca argues. “I thought you were obnoxious and pushy and –”

 

“Mesmerizing?”

 

“Totally not my type.”

 

“Ooh, you have a type?”

 

“Yeah. Apparently it’s obnoxious, preppy law students.”

 

“Whatever. I’ll take it.” Lila pauses. After a few moments, she says, “I didn’t like you from the beginning, either. I thought you were…hard to swallow, at least.”

 

“Understatement.”

 

“Yeah, no kidding. You’re not exactly the most pleasant person I know. But I got used to it. And here we are.”

 

Rebecca rolls her eyes. “Go to bed, Stangard.”

 

“Um, excuse me? I thought you’d be nicer to someone who gave up their opportunity to go somewhere warm for Christmas for you.”

 

“I told you to go.”

 

“I told you I didn’t want to,” Lila says with a smile. “Now shut up and hold me. It’s fucking freezing in here.”

 

“You’re still pushy and obnoxious.”

 

Lila smacks Rebecca in the stomach and tells her to shut up again.

 

X

 

The first day the snow starts falling, Lila’s either ready to cry or kill someone. Rebecca hasn’t figured out which, but she doesn’t want to be a part of either. Lila stomps around the apartment and complains about all the homework she has and kicks things aside before throwing herself down on the bed, face first.

 

Rebecca doesn’t bother to ask if she’s alright. Lila will just go on a rant about all of her life problems – which Rebecca already knows about – and then she’ll direct her anger towards Rebecca.

 

“It’s just snow,” Rebecca finally says, interrupting Lila’s complaints about her psych homework. "It’ll go away eventually, you know that, right?”

 

“Yes, Rebecca, I know it’ll go away, but it’s here _now_ , and it’s fucking cold.”

 

“Duh. I’ve lived like this my entire life. No sympathy here for the California girl.” Lila sticks her tongue out, and it’s so ridiculously childish that Rebecca laughs. “Trust me. It gets worse,” Rebecca says, and Lila groans and presses her face into the comforter.

 

X

 

Christmas rolls around, and a week before, Rebecca warns Lila, “I don’t do gifts.”

 

Lila rolls her eyes. “Of course you don’t.”

 

X

 

The power in Rebecca’s apartment goes out Christmas Eve. Unsurprisingly, it’s even colder than usual. Lila says, “I’m gonna go back to the sorority house,” about fifty times before Rebecca cracks and huddles up under the covers for warmth with her.

 

Luckily, Lila falls asleep not long after. (Rebecca doesn’t sleep, but that’s probably just because she’s afraid of what tomorrow might bring. Lila’s always had high expectations for…everything.)

 

X

 

One week before Rebecca gave Lila the ‘I don’t do gifts’ speech, Rebecca stopped in front of a jewelry store. She wasn’t sure what compelled her to go in, but she spent close to an hour browsing. Not that she could afford half the shit in there. (But Lila deserves it. She deserves everything good the world has to offer.)

 

Rebecca doesn’t walk out empty handed. (Just a couple hundred bucks poorer.)

 

X

 

Christmas morning is rather…depressing. At least for Lila. There’s no real tree – it’s a fake one that Lila forced Rebecca to put together, and it stands about two feet tall – no decent food, and a violent snowstorm in progress. (At least the power came back sometime the night before.)

 

“If you wanted a grand Christmas, you should’ve gone home,” Rebecca says, throwing the covers back and getting up. Lila quickly yanks the sheets back up, muttering about how goddamn cold it is.

 

“I am home,” Lila declares.

 

“That better not mean you’re moving in permanently.”

 

Lila shrugs. “I practically moved in weeks, if not months, ago, Bec.”

 

“Yeah, I noticed.” Rebecca pulls her desk drawer open and removes a small package wrapped in red wrapping paper. (Rebecca had paid extra for the gift wrapping, and then she paid another fifty cents for the green bow the lady slapped on top.) She tosses the package to Lila, who manages to catch it, and says, “Merry Christmas.”

 

“I thought you didn’t do gifts?”

 

“I don’t.”

 

(Then again, Lila’s always been the exception.)

 

Lila smiles. “Your gift’s in my drawer. You’ll probably have to dig through my underwear to get to it, though.”

 

Rebecca does have to dig through Lila’s underwear – she can’t say she’d ever thought she’d have to do that. She frees an insanely expensive bottle of liquor from beneath Lila’s clothing. Rebecca would never think about spending this much on liquor. There’s a gold bow on the side, and Lila smiles a little.

 

“I don’t wrap gifts,” Lila informs.

 

“I don’t either. I paid extra for that,” Rebecca replies. “Thank you.”

 

“Yeah, don’t mention it. I’ll probably drink half the bottle anyway.”

 

Rebecca laughs, setting the bottle on her desk and taking a seat in the chair. She spins back and forth, folding her hands in her lap. Opening gifts in front of people is one thing, but watching them open a gift you gave is something else entirely.

 

(Rebecca, historically, has failed with gift giving.)

 

“Should I be scared by the size of the box?” Lila asks, turning it over in her hands.

 

“Probably.”

 

Lila unwraps the package carefully, and Rebecca wishes she’d just rip the paper off already. Rebecca’s leg bounces up and down, and she chews on her lower lip. She looks anywhere but at Lila.

 

“Oh, Becca, it’s beautiful,” Lila gushes. She grins and says, “Who knew you could be thoughtful?”

 

“I’m not,” Rebecca says indignantly, but she blushes, and Lila laughs.

 

“Get over here and put it on for me,” Lila says, waving her hand. She smiles smugly as Rebecca gets up and takes the necklace from Lila. She secures it around Lila’s neck, and Lila says, “You’re getting soft, Sutter.”

 

“I am _not_.”

 

Lila gets out of bed, standing in front of Rebecca. She rests her hands on the sides of Rebecca’s neck and smiles warmly. “It’s not a bad thing,” Lila assures her. “I always knew you weren’t totally callous.”

 

“Isn’t that word a bit complex – at least, for you?”

 

Lila laughs. “Shut up! It’s Christmas. You’re supposed to be nice to me.”

 

“I am nice. I bought you a gift when I don’t do gifts. That’s as nice as I get.”

 

Lila raises an eyebrow, letting her hands slip from Rebecca’s neck to her shoulders. She pulls Rebecca down the required few inches, kisses her quickly, and says, “I’m glad I didn’t go to California for Christmas.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not sure if Lila was a law student or not – probably not – but I’m gonna go with it anyway. I guess that’s why this is an AU. Oh, and I have the rest of the story written, but I realized that I hate what I did with the next few chapters, so I have some major rewriting coming my way. I apologize in advance for whatever delay that may bring.


	12. January 2015

_January 2015_

Rebecca and Lila watch the ball drop and kiss on New Year’s.

 

And that’s it.

 

X

 

One a.m. on New Year’s, someone knocks on Rebecca’s door. She disentangles her legs from Lila’s and answers the door – again, in underwear and a tank top. The guy on the other side is kind of familiar. She knows he lives next door. He’s tall with nice eyes, and he’s wearing a flannel shirt – always a plus.

 

“What?” Rebecca asks flatly, bracing herself against the doorframe.

 

“What?” he says, and he looks down at Rebecca.

 

“You just knocked. What do you want?”

 

“This – this isn’t my apartment? I thought –” He seems to realize what he’s doing. “Oh. Wow. Sorry. I’ll just – I’m sorry.” He stumbles to his door, and Rebecca watches him fumble with his keys for a few seconds before shutting the door.

 

“Who was that?” Lila asks sleepily.

 

“My neighbor. He must’ve been drunk,” Rebecca says.

 

“Oh. Come back to bed.”

 

X

 

Rebecca walks across the Middleton campus with Lila. Lila’s bundled up, including a Gryffindor scarf (“Don’t you even pretend you don’t like _Harry Potter_. You’re such a liar, Sutter.”) and one of Rebecca’s beanies. Rebecca’s almost immune to the cold by now.

 

Lila holds Rebecca’s hand the whole time, even when her face pales noticeably. “What?” Rebecca questions.

 

“We should turn around,” Lila says. She nods a few times and tries to pull Rebecca back in the direction they came from, but Rebecca holds her ground.

 

“What’s your deal?”

 

Lila yanks Rebecca close and hisses, “That man up there – that’s Sam Keating.”

 

“Well, it’s too late now. He’s seen us. Do you want to run?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Lila,” Sam greets, adjusting the bag on his shoulder. “How’s the paper coming?”

 

“Almost done, Professor Keating,” Lila replies curtly. She tightens her grip on Rebecca’s hand, and Sam just seems to realize someone’s with Lila.

 

“And this is?” Sam asks.

 

“Rebecca,” Lila answers. “She’s…a friend. Why?”

 

Sam hesitates. “No reason. I’ll see you in class, Miss Stangard.”

 

He walks off.

 

“You went from Lila to Miss Stangard,” Rebecca points out. “What’s up with him?” Lila shrugs and tugs Rebecca along. “Seriously, Lila. You were both acting…”

 

“Just let it go, okay?”

 

Rebecca stops walking, forcing Lila to stop and face her. “When’s the last time you saw him?”

 

“In class,” Lila says, her eyes narrowing. “Let’s just go.”

 

X

 

He grabs her arm to stop her from walking out of class. Lila whirls around, yanking her arm free as if she’s been burned. “What?” she hisses, eyes darting towards the exit.

 

“What are you doing, Li?” Sam asks, leaning back against his desk and crossing his arms over his chest.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You know how I feel about you. You didn’t have to break it off.”

 

Lila’s eyes narrow. “First, _you_ broke it off. Said something like _I can’t keep doing this_ and _my wife, I have to think about my wife_. So it ended, and I’ve decided I’m fine with that. I’m done, Professor Keating,” she spits. “I’ve had enough. There’s nothing you can do to change that.”

 

“Lila. _Lila_ , c’mon. Just give me one more chance.”

 

“I’m done,” she repeats, and she gets the hell away from Sam Keating.

 

X

 

He doesn’t leave her alone, and she can only hide his persistence from Rebecca for so long.

 

“Why is Keating texting you?” Rebecca demands, holding Lila’s phone up.

 

“Jesus, I told him I was done,” Lila cries, plucking her phone from Rebecca’s hand and sending back the only two words she’ll say to him from now on (she only talks in class when she has to).

 

 _I’m done_.

 

X

 

Rebecca watches Lila suspiciously. (Lila knows that Rebecca thinks she still has a thing for Sam, but he’s just – he’s gotten creepy, honestly. She wants to move on, and now Rebecca thinks she still likes the son of a bitch.) She never comments on anything she might suspect, but Lila knows Rebecca’s thinking something along the lines of _what if she still likes Keating? What if she’s playing me? What if, what if, what if?_

“Have you ever talked to someone about your paranoia?” Lila finally asks one night.

 

“No. Why would I?”

 

Lila shrugs as nonchalantly as she can manage. “You seem awfully convinced that I’m still involved with Sam. Physically and or emotionally. I thought I’ve proven to you that I’m over him.”

 

Rebecca hesitates. “You should know better than anyone that I don’t – I don’t like trusting people. It isn’t – they never deserve it.”

 

Lila refuses to meet Rebecca’s eyes. “I thought I was different,” she mumbles.

 

“You are.”

 

The silence that falls between them is rather awkward.

 

“For the most part,” Rebecca revises, and Lila rolls her eyes and smiles a little bit.

 

“Read my text messages if it makes you feel better,” Lila offers. “My passcode is easy.”

 

“You say that like I should already know it,” Rebecca says.

 

“It’s your birthdate, moron.”

 

X

 

Rebecca really doesn’t want to admit it, but she does scroll through Lila’s text messages. (To be fair, she feels pretty awful the entire two minutes. She hates having her privacy invaded, and here she is, invading Lila’s privacy.)

 

She does actually seem to be over Sam.

 

X

 

Lila proves it. Not because Rebecca wants or needs more proof. It’s for Lila. She gets a sick sort of thrill when she kisses Rebecca in front of Sam. (Right outside his classroom, right after class. She sees his face fall the second she pulls Rebecca down.) She catches Rebecca a bit off guard, but that just makes it even more fun.

 

“Let’s go home,” Lila says. (And maybe she speaks a little louder than she usually would, just to make sure Sam hears her.) She links her fingers through Rebecca’s before they walk past the doorway, and maybe she’s a bit cruel, but _God_ , it feels great.

 

X

 

 _Please, let me fix this_.

 

Lila laughs aloud at the text and shows Rebecca.

 

“Wow, he’s one desperate motherfucker,” Rebecca says, eating another handful of popcorn as Lila erupts into fit of giggles.

 

 _I’m done_ she replies, and she laughs even harder, because the amount of times she’s sent him this text is now comical.

 

X

 

Lila mentally beats herself up. She put herself in this situation. _Stupid, stupid, stupid_.

 

“Miss Stangard, I need to see you about your paper,” Sam says as the class is dismissed, and Lila kind of wants to beat her head against the wall.

 

“Sure,” she says, keeping her tone light. She rushes down to his desk in hopes he’ll be done before everyone else leaves the room, but life doesn’t work like that. “What’s wrong?” she questions, keeping slightly more than a respectable distance from him.

 

“It was fantastic,” Sam says. “One of the best I’ve read. Ever.”

 

“You and I both know that isn’t true.”

 

“No, it is,” Sam says, and Lila flinches when he makes his way around his desk to stand in front of her. “I just wanted to congratulate you. You did a wonderful job.”

 

“Okay, seriously, what am I here for?” Lila demands. “I have a life, you know. I have things to do.”

 

“You can take five minutes to talk to me, Lila. What could possibly be so important that you have to leave now?”

 

The words leave her mouth before she can stop them. “Honestly, I’d rather fuck my girlfriend.”

 

(She just called Rebecca her girlfriend. Is Rebecca her girlfriend? She’ll have to ask later.)

 

Sam’s face turns a shade of red Lila wasn’t even aware existed. He surges forward, and his beefy hands (yes, beefy and rough and way too large – Lila can’t believe she liked the feel of them on her) wrap around her neck. He doesn’t squeeze hard enough to cut off her air supply, but he definitely applies enough pressure.

 

“You listen to me –” he growls, and Lila’s eyes widen, and only then does he seem to realize what he’s doing. He lets go, and Lila’s too stunned to think let alone speak. She can still feel Sam’s hands around her neck, and he looks like he kicked a puppy. “Lila – Lila! Don’t do this! I didn’t mean to!”

 

“Sure you didn’t,” Lila shouts over her shoulder.

 

“Lila, wait!”

 

“If you ever come near me again, I’m telling your wife!”


	13. Still January 2015

_Still January 2015_

Lila returns to Rebecca’s apartment almost in tears. (She amazes herself with her ability to suppress her emotions.) Rebecca looks over at her from the bed. (She’s beautiful, Lila thinks. She really is, in her torn black jeans and crop top, with her hair all messed up because she’s been lying on it and her dark makeup and her piercings. Everything just screams perfect.) Rebecca almost immediately morphs into overly-concerned-parent mode.

 

“What happened?” she asks, and her voice is gentle and does not match her expression at all. (It’s actually kind of scary – but in a good way.)

 

“He’s crazy,” Lila says, and her voice breaks. “Sam is fucking crazy, Bec. He – he had his fucking hands around – around my neck.”

 

(Definitely scary. Lila isn’t sure if she’s staring into the face of rage or what. Rebecca looks absolutely murderous, and Lila would be lying if she said she didn’t like it.)

 

“I’ll kill him,” Rebecca says decisively. Her voice is low, hardly above a whisper. “If he lays a fucking finger on you again, I will fucking kill the bastard.”

 

(What’s even scarier is that Lila knows Rebecca’s not bluffing. Rebecca does not joke about this kind of shit.)

 

“Are you okay?” Rebecca asks softly, reaching up and brushing Lila’s hair behind her ear. Her fingertips graze across Lila’s temple, and she shivers.

 

“Yeah. I-I’m fine,” Lila stammers. “I just want to forget it, okay?”

 

Rebecca nods solemnly, and Lila hugs her just a little too hard. Other than a slight grunt, Rebecca doesn’t protest. (She doesn’t complain about Lila’s cold hands on her torso, either, and Lila wonders why she didn’t develop feelings for Becca sooner.)

 

X

 

It’s late that night – the last time Lila checked the clock, it was two a.m. but that was probably an hour ago – and Lila figures there’s a fifty-fifty chance that Rebecca’s awake. She gives it a shot.

 

“So…what exactly are we?”

 

Rebecca stirs behind Lila, her arm tightening slightly around Lila’s waist. “Hmm?”

 

“What are we?” Lila asks.

 

“What do you mean?” Rebecca mumbles, and even though it’s dead silent apart from their conversation, Lila strains to understand Rebecca.

 

“I mean, are we dating or is this a – a – I don’t know! What is this?”

 

“I hope you haven’t been killing yourself over this,” Rebecca says, and she sounds like she’s woken up a bit. She takes a deep breath and asks, “What do you want this to be?”

 

“Just say you’ll be my girlfriend so I can get some sleep,” Lila grumbles.

 

Rebecca grunts. “I’m not saying that. You can be my girlfriend.”

 

“Which, by default, makes you my girlfriend, so I win,” Lila says, and her voice is _way_ too cheerful for three a.m. so Rebecca groans.

 

“Whatever. Go to sleep, loser.”

 

X

 

That last day of the month, Lila decides she’s done letting Sam walk all over her even though they’ve been done for – how long now? He’s tried to get her to talk to him another three times, so she gives in.

 

And she does something incredibly stupid.

 

She leaves the warmth of the bed (it is almost noon – she can’t sleep forever) and scrawls Rebecca a quick note.

 

_Had to take care of something with the sorority girls. Be back later._

It makes her feel like a twelve year old, but she signs her name with a heart and leaves the note on her pillow so Rebecca will see it. She smiles down at her sleeping girlfriend. ( _Girlfriend_. Rebecca is her _girlfriend_. Lila wants to laugh and dance and scream it at the sky. _Girlfriend_.)

 

Her next thought might be a little bit crazy. It’s something along the lines of _I think I might love you_ and it scares her but also makes her unusually…giddy.

 

She decides she likes the feeling.

 

X

 

The sign in front of the house advertises the important person that lives there: ANNALISE KEATING. Lila knocks on the door and runs through her story, just in case.

 

Good thing, too.

 

A woman answers. A blonde woman that she knows can’t be Annalise Keating. “Who are you?” the woman asks.

 

“I – um, I’m one of Professor Sam Keating’s psych students. I need to, uh, speak to him about a paper I wrote. Is he here?”

 

The woman sighs, as if Lila’s existence pains her, and she says, “Just a moment,” and disappears into the house. She returns a couple minutes later and impatiently waves Lila inside. “Go through that door, straight ahead,” she instructs. She walks past another woman that has to be Annalise Keating and a man with the most perfect beard Lila’s ever seen.

 

She shuts the door behind her, and Sam Keating looks up. “Lila. Have you finally come to your senses?” he asks, making sure he doesn’t speak too loudly.

 

“About seeing you behind your wife’s back? God, no. Especially not after what you did.” She rubs her neck to get her message across. “But I told you not to come near me again. Obviously, this is a little hard during class, but you still have tried to contact me. You have tried to get me to talk to you, so here I am. I am talking to you. And I am telling you that if you don’t back the _fuck_ off after this conversation, I will show your wife these.”

 

She whips her phone out and brings up the many pictures Sam sent her over the course of their fling. “If you don’t agree to never interfere in my life again, I will go out there right now and show all of these to your wife.”

 

“You wouldn’t.”

 

“Do you understand?”

 

Sam doesn’t answer.

 

“Try me. I dare you,” Lila says.

 

“You bitch,” he growls, jumping up and walking so he’s standing directly in front of Lila. She doesn’t flinch, doesn’t step back – she stands her ground, glaring up at him. She keeps a firm grip on her phone. “Why are you trying to ruin my life?”

 

“I didn’t do that. _You_ did.”

 

“Do you really think you can overpower me?” Sam asks with a humorless laugh. “I am in the position of power here. I am your professor, I am at least twice as strong as you, and I am _not_ going to let you leave this room if I think you’re going to tell my wife. I will destroy you, Lila Stangard.”

 

“I can always tell her when you’re not around,” Lila points out, and it’s such a fucking stupid thing to say. Even she knows that.

 

“If you go near my wife – if you come near this house – I will kill you. Do you understand me, girl?”

 

It’s Lila’s turn not to answer.

 

“I said, do you understand me?”

 

“Fine,” Lila says. She pockets her phone and storms out of the room. The blonde, the man with the perfect beard, and Annalise Keating watch Lila leave the house. She hesitates at the door. She could do it. Right now, she could turn around and just say _I fucked your husband at least seven times and I have proof that he’s a scumbag._ She could do it.

 

She doesn’t. She loses her nerve and leaves.

 

If she’s learned anything, it’s that she has terrible taste in men.


	14. February 2015

_February 2015_

Lila doesn’t return to the apartment until after midnight. She may or may not have spent the rest of her day at a bar. At least she comes back to find Rebecca awake (if anyone could sleep for more than twenty four hours, it’d be Becca) – but not out of bed. Lila smiles, doing her best not to shake even though her body wants to. (She isn’t sure if it’s because she’s angry or terrified or both – probably both. Or maybe it’s the cold.)

 

“Morning,” Lila says, because it’s midnight so therefore technically morning. She’s a little bit too enthusiastic when she practically throws herself down on top of Rebecca.

 

“You’re crushing me.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“So, how were the sorority girls?” Rebecca asks, rolling Lila off of her. “As unbearable as always, I’m guessing?”

 

“Something like that.”

 

“You didn’t see the sorority girls,” Rebecca says matter-of-factly. “You went to talk to Sam Keating. You smell like him.”

 

“Actually, I went and threatened to show his wife the pictures on my phone,” Lila says. “It didn’t go well.”

 

“I would think not.”

 

They’re both quiet for a little while, and Lila’s the one to speak first. “So, now that we’re officially dating, we have to go on a first date, don’t we?”

 

“Don’t get your hopes up too high,” Rebecca warns, sitting up. She runs a hand through her hair before standing and heading for the bathroom. “I am bad at dates,” Rebecca adds before disappearing inside to take a shower.

 

Lila jumps up and prances over to the bathroom door. She thinks maybe she should leave Rebecca alone – then throws that idea out the window, ‘cause fuck it. She flings the door open (and ignores Rebecca’s protests) and says, “Well, luckily, I am not.”

 

X

 

Lila doesn’t tell Rebecca where they’re going, but she borrows her sorority friend’s car. (It’s probably Rachel’s considering the unusual amount of coke remnants Rebecca finds in the vehicle.)

 

“I swear, if we end up at that club again, I will –”

 

“Shush. We’re not going to that club. I promise,” Lila says. “Geez, a girl gets drunk once and makes out with her best friend, and she never hears the end of it.”

 

Rebecca glares. “It was more than that.”

 

“I know. I tried to sleep with you, too. So what? It happened eventually anyway.”

 

“And what if it hadn’t?”

 

Lila turns her head to the side to pout. (“Watch the road. Goddamn, Lila, you’re gonna kill us.”) “Then I would be sad,” Lila finally says, slapping her palms down on the steering wheel. “Oh, shit! That’s our turn!” She makes a sudden left turn that results in someone blaring a horn at them.

 

“Can you at least pretend like you care about our safety at all?” Rebecca shouts, and Lila laughs at her.

 

“Wow. Rebecca Sutter: super-tough, drug-dealing-bartender that’s afraid of preppy, obnoxious Lila Stangard’s driving. You should see my road rage.”

 

“I have.”

 

X

 

The restaurant’s nice, and Rebecca wonders if she can afford this. Lila links her arm through Rebecca’s and says, “Don’t worry, I’m paying.”

 

“Surprise.”

 

Lila acts offended. “Hey, I pay for dinner on dates. Sometimes.”

 

Rebecca rolls her eyes. At least she doesn’t have to admit she probably can’t afford this place. (Lila probably knows that. She doesn’t make any mention of that particular subject, though.)

 

Lila does most of the talking. Rebecca listens and nods and actually eats while Lila’s plate sits in front of her, and she waves her fork around a lot but doesn’t eat much. Rebecca only speaks when Lila pauses to breathe after about ten minutes of nonstop talking. “Maybe you should stop talking and try eating something,” Rebecca suggests with only a hint of a smirk.

 

“Who cares about the food?”

 

“Uh, me. This is probably the best meal I’ve had…well, ever.”

 

“I could do better.”

 

“Lila, honey, you cannot cook. You tried, remember? It’s okay. Just accept it and move on. I did.”

 

“You know you’re supposed to be nice on a first date, right? You’re supposed to make me want to go on another date with you.”

 

Rebecca snorts. “I’m hoping we can give up this ‘going on official dates’ thing.”

 

Lila sends her a look of irritation and starts eating. She doesn’t get far. “So, Valentine’s Day is coming up and –”

 

“I do not do Valentine’s Day.”

 

“Just like you don’t do Christmas gifts, right?”

 

“No. I’m not budging on this one.”

 

Lila smiles mischievously. “We’ll see about that. I mean, we _are_ on our official first date.”

 

“First and last.”

 

X

 

_Wow, you’re so whipped_.

 

Rebecca shakes her head at herself and hopes she has enough money left to pay rent. (If not, she’ll be moving in with Lila and the sorority girls, and she’d rather die than let that happen.) Rebecca throws her apartment door open and shoves the bouquet of roses at Lila. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” Rebecca grumbles, shutting the door with her foot and throwing her jacket across the room.

 

“Aw! You _do_ love me,” Lila squeals. She grins at Rebecca’s pained expression and kisses her on the cheek. “I’m guessing you don’t own a vase.”

 

“Why would I?”

 

“Normal people own vases, Becca.”

 

“People with their shit together own vases, loser.”

 

Lila rolls her eyes. “I’ll buy one when I go out later. Thank you.”

 

“That’s it, though,” Rebecca warns. “Nothing else.”

 

Lila bites her lower lip, raising an eyebrow suggestively. “Nothing?”

 

X

 

It doesn’t take long for Sam Keating to start fading from their memories. Lila’s psych class comes to an end, and she’s so wrapped up in Rebecca and her other classes that she simply forgets he was ever a part of her life. (Almost. She was a virgin before him. That isn’t something you forget, no matter how much she wants to.)

 

“I wish I hadn’t slept with him,” Lila blurts.

 

Rebecca looks up from her laptop and pulls one earbud out of her ear. “Say that again.”

 

“I wish I hadn’t slept with him.”

 

Rebecca pauses whatever she’s listening to and removes her other earbud. “You have my attention.”

 

Lila sighs and sits on the bed next to Rebecca. She toys with Rebecca’s fingers, and Rebecca raises her eyebrows. She knows what’s next. (The rambling. It’s actually kind of adorable. But only when it’s Lila.) “So, I know virginity isn’t a huge thing – like, who cares about that, right? It’s nothing super special, but the first person I ever slept with is probably the biggest douchebag I’ve ever encountered. Plus his wife has no idea he’s such a – a vile human being. She has a right to know. Right?”

 

“Uh oh. What are you thinking?” Rebecca asks, stilling the movements of Lila’s hand by grasping it in her own.

 

Lila smiles apologetically. “Something stupid.”

 


	15. March 2015

_March 2015_

Lila talks Rebecca into helping her. (It takes a while, and Rebecca should’ve shut it down. She should’ve told Lila it was not her responsibility to make Annalise Keating aware of how shitty her husband is. But Lila shoved Sam Keating’s dick pics in Rebecca’s face and reminded her of how she was fucked by him and how he might be fucking other women. Rebecca was angry enough to agree.)

 

Lila doesn’t tell Rebecca of her previous encounter with Sam Keating. Even though it’s probably necessary information, she keeps her mouth shut. He shouldn’t even be there. He has some kind of conference out of state.

 

They wait until the sun begins to set. It’s still cold enough to warrant a jacket and gloves for both of them, and Rebecca throws on a beanie for good measure. It’s a long walk, and the wind is unforgiving. Lila clings to Rebecca’s arm the entire time. Neither has anything to say.

 

Lila knocks on the Keating’s door, and they wait a minute before Lila tries again. “Maybe no one’s home,” Rebecca says, glancing towards the street. Not a car in sight. “We should just go.”

 

“What? Scared?” Lila taunts, pounding her fist against the door this time. “Someone has to be here,” she mutters.

 

“How would you know? Are you stalking the Keatings now?”

 

“No! Sam’s gone, though. Why wouldn’t Annalise be here?”

 

“Because she has other shit to do,” Rebecca suggests, and Lila hits her in the stomach just a little bit too hard. Instead of knocking, Lila tries the doorknob instead. It takes a moment (she doesn’t exactly have a great grip with her gloves on) but the doorknob does turn.

 

“Maybe they should lock their doors,” Rebecca grumbles.

 

“You act like we’re here to murder them or something,” Lila says, stepping inside. “C’mon.”

 

“Isn’t this technically breaking and entering?”

 

Lila pauses and thinks before shaking her head. “How can it be? The door was unlocked.”

 

“Oh great, _that’ll_ save you in court.” Rebecca clears her throat and does her best impression of Lila. “ _I wasn’t breaking and entering. The door was unlocked._ ”

 

“That’s not what I sound like!” Lila protests. “Now stop stalling.” She grabs a fistful of Rebecca’s jacket and pulls her inside. Lila shuts the door behind them.

 

“Now what?” Rebecca asks flatly, shoving her hands into her pockets.

 

“Now we find Annalise Keating. Duh.”

 

“Tell me why we’re doing this again,” Rebecca says, keeping her voice down when she realizes it’ll probably echo off the walls.

 

“Because Annalise Keating deserves to know that her husband is a disgusting sleazebag, that’s why,” Lila says matter-of-factly.

 

“And if Annalise Keating goes, like, batshit crazy when she finds out you’ve been fucking her husband?”

 

“We’ll deal with that if it happens,” Lila shrugs. “But first we have to find her.”

 

Annalise Keating is not there. They walk through the entire house, and if she did happen to be there, they would have found her. “She isn’t here,” Rebecca says. “Can we leave now? My record’s bad enough without this added onto it.”

 

“How do you think I feel? I don’t have a record, and I don’t want one,” Lila says.

 

“Then why did we break into Annalise Keating’s house?” Rebecca demands.

 

“We did not _break_ into Annalise Keating’s house,” Lila says firmly, heading for the front door. “We…” Lila can’t figure out how to explain what they supposedly did, but it stops mattering when she glances out the window. “Oh shit!” she cries, stumbling back into Rebecca. They’re lucky they don’t go crashing to the ground. “What’s he doing back already?” Lila says, grasping onto Rebecca’s jacket.

 

“I don’t know, and stop manhandling my jacket,” Rebecca says, prying Lila’s hands off of her jacket. “What do we do now, genius?”

 

Lila falters. “Uh – um, we um – uh…hide! We hide!”

 

“Hide _where_?”

 

“In the house, you idiot! Go!”

 

They end up hiding in a closet – _funny, real funny_ Rebecca thinks – and they’re forced up against each other. Unless they want to spill out of the closet, of course. World’s smallest closet award goes to the closet in the Keating household. Rebecca manages to get the door shut and moves some coats that smell like Keating’s crappy cologne aside.

 

“Get your elbow out of my boob,” Lila hisses, and Rebecca finds a new place for her elbow. (Probably Lila’s ribs, but she doesn’t complain.)

 

“I swear, if he finds us, I’ll kill you,” Rebecca threatens.

 

“Like you could,” Lila snorts, and she clamps her gloved hands over her mouth. It’s too dark for her to see Rebecca’s pointed look, but Rebecca digs her elbow into Lila’s ribs, and Lila gets the message. They hear Sam enter the house, and they hear him walk right past the closet. Rebecca doesn’t breathe, and Lila’s trying to contain her quick, panicky breaths.

 

When they can’t hear him anymore, both breathe freely, and Rebecca opens the door just a crack. She peers out, and though her range is limited, she doesn’t see Sam Keating anywhere. She doesn’t hear anything either.

 

“Let’s get the hell out of here,” Rebecca says, throwing the door open. She comes out of the closet – _yeah, very funny_ – and glances over her shoulder once she’s halfway down the hall. Lila’s still in the closet – _seriously, it’s getting annoying now_ Rebecca thinks, and she forces herself to focus. Rebecca doubles back and grabs Lila’s arm. “C’mon. We’re going and _never coming back_.”

 

Lila nods and lets Rebecca lead her to the door. Rebecca grasps onto the doorknob, and the last thing she hears is Lila’s scream before she hits the floor.

 

X

 

Lila’s hands cover her mouth immediately after she screams, her eyes darting from Sam Keating to Rebecca. Lila doesn’t know if she’s unconscious or what, but Sam punched her. _Hard_.

 

_He fucking punched her!_ Lila’s mind yells, and she begins to think maybe Sam wasn’t bluffing. He’ll kill her.

 

That thought sinks in, and Lila has approximately three seconds to decide whether or not she’ll abandon Rebecca and run for her life. She wastes those three seconds and finds herself on the ground beside Rebecca. The difference being that Sam’s hands are around her neck and not Rebecca’s.

 

“It’s me,” he growls. “It’ll always be me, Lila. You’re _mine_. She’s nothing.” He jerks his head towards where Rebecca’s lying, and Lila would retort if she could speak. “Do you understand? She is _nothing_.”

 

Sam doesn’t play games. His hands squeeze tightly, cutting off Lila’s air supply almost immediately. The soft, gentle man she once knew is truly dead – just like she’s about to be. She can’t breathe, and Sam hardly flinches each time Lila’s hands strike him. He’s too strong. He’s too strong, she’s too weak, and the world’s getting a little fuzzy…a little dark. Her lungs burn, screaming for air, and she can’t help but wonder what Sam will do with her body.

 

_Maybe he’ll leave it for his wife. She’ll defend her dickhead husband, and she’ll fucking win. You’re gonna fucking die, Lila. This is it. It’s over. What’s the last thing you said to Rebecca? What’s the last thing she said to you? What about –_

There’s a sickening _thwack_ , and Lila has access to oxygen again. At the same time, blood splatters against her face, and while she coughs and sputters, trying to breathe again, she tastes blood that isn’t hers.

 

(It hits her. The last thing she said to Rebecca was _like you could_. She mentally beats herself up for that. Rebecca’s last words to her were _we’re going and never coming back_ which makes sense. At least she gets another chance, Lila thinks. She gets another chance because Rebecca –)

 

“Oh my God,” Lila whispers, and something drops from Rebecca’s hand and hits the wood floor in the pool of blood surrounding Sam’s head. There’s a large, bloodied dent in the side of his head, and not only is blood leaking out, but so is brain matter, and Lila swallows the urge to gag.

 

( _He deserves this. The bastard deserves this. He tried to kill me. He tried to kill me, and he probably would’ve killed Rebecca, too, if he’d succeeded._ )

 

It’s some kind of trophy that lands in Sam’s blood. Lila doesn’t get a good look at it – it’s way too dark now – probably because she’s too focused on Rebecca. Even as the pool of blood stretches towards Lila’s shoes – her good, expensive heels that she isn’t ready to ditch, thank you very much – she doesn’t look away.

 

“Becca?” She isn’t sure if she expects a response, but either way, she doesn’t get one. “Bec, we have to – we have to leave,” Lila says, and her voice shakes, and she can feel the tears coming on, but she can’t cry. This is – this is a crime scene.

 

( _We’re both wearing gloves_ Lila realizes. _What else can they find at a crime scene besides fingerprints?_ Her brain refuses to work, refuses to answer its own question.)

 

“We have to go. Now,” Lila says forcefully, stepping back just before the pool of blood reaches her shoes. She carefully walks around it, trying not to think about how a person is dead and lying on the ground in front of her. She grasps onto Rebecca’s arms, and she startles her out of…something. Her thoughts? “We have to leave,” Lila says, and her voice breaks. She watches Rebecca’s eyes leave her and drop down to Sam and the trophy and the blood –

 

Jesus Christ, the blood. How much blood is in a human body? Didn’t Lila learn that somewhere along the way? There’s no way it’s this much. No one can bleed _this much_.

 

“Now!” Lila yells, shaking Rebecca again so she’ll stop staring at the blood. Once Rebecca stops staring at the blood, Lila can stop staring at it. Lila guides Rebecca around the blood, and they bolt for the door, slamming it behind them.

 

(Lila doesn’t think about how Annalise Keating will probably be the one to find her husband. She doesn’t think about how Sam Keating almost killed her. She doesn’t think about how Rebecca just fucking _murdered_ Sam Keating for her – or how it’s slightly romantic in a fucked up kind of way. Rebecca _did_ promise to kill him if he touched Lila again, and she came through. She saved Lila’s life.)

 

Lila runs in her fucking heels, practically dragging Rebecca along. She runs, and her lungs still ache, and the cold is _not_ helping, and Rebecca won’t fucking _run_. Why won’t she fucking run? Why –

 

Rebecca jerks Lila to a halt, and it’s a good thing too, because the ugly sobbing starts, and Lila falls to her knees on someone’s lawn and sobs. She puts her hands against the grass, glad the snow melted a few days before, and she fucking cries in a way she doesn’t think she’s ever cried before. It’s painful – not helped by her oxygen deprived lungs – and gross and –

 

And Rebecca’s throwing up in the bushes a few feet away. When Rebecca looks over at Lila’s tearstained, blood splattered face, she throws up again. Lila doesn’t blame her. Hell, Lila’s awfully close to hurling herself, but the crying exhausts her. There’s no way she has the energy to throw up, let alone stand up.

 

“I killed someone,” Rebecca says once she’s sure she’s done puking. She spits into the bushes, sitting back. “I killed someone, Li. I actually – I – I killed a – he was – he tried – he was going to kill you, Lila. You said it wouldn’t happen, but it was going to. I swung that – that fucking trophy at his head. I swung that trophy and – and the blood. Jesus, there was so much blood. It’s still on your face, Lila. It’s still – I just – I –”

 

She abruptly stops speaking, and Lila sniffles, refusing to cry again. “You saved my life,” Lila says, but Rebecca shakes her head rather violently.

 

“No. No, Lila, I killed someone. I murdered someone.”

 

“You said it yourself! He was going to kill me,” Lila says, and she winces at how loud her voice sounds.

 

“I did something about it,” Rebecca says, and her voice sounds…different. Lifeless almost. Monotone for sure, but it’s – honestly, it’s scary.

 

( _She sounds like a murderer_ Lila thinks, and she immediately replies with _you shut the fuck up! She fucking saved your ass. You got us into this mess, you fucking stupid sorority fuck up –_ )

 

“We have to get home,” Rebecca says, stumbling to her feet. “You have – you have blood _all_ over your face, and if someone sees…they’ll ask questions. And we’ll – we’ll go to fucking jail. No, _I’ll_ go to fucking jail unless we can prove he tried to kill you.”

 

“My neck,” Lila says, and she manages to get to her feet and balance on the fucking expensive, stupid-ass high heels. (Why did she care about them so much? The fucking heels are _not_ important and never have been important. _This_ is important. They _killed_ someone.) “There’ll be marks on my neck,” she says, swallowing painfully as if she needs to prove it to herself. (Make sure it’s real, maybe.) “We can take pictures or something. Use a real camera. There’ll be dates on the pictures.”

 

“Or we won’t get caught,” Rebecca says, and she thinks _when did I turn into a fucking optimist? Jesus, Lila’s infected me with positivity._

 

“Or that.”

 

“But we have to get home first. Unseen.”

 

Lila laughs, a strangled – _not fucking funny_ she thinks – unnaturally high pitched laugh. “Piece of cake. I mean, we killed someone. How hard can it be?”


	16. Still March 2015

_Still Fucking March 2015_

Apparently, pretty fucking hard. They duck down at least three alleys ( _that, who knows, someone may have been murdered in_ Lila realizes, and she shudders at the thought) and hide behind various other items. (Cars, trees, bushes – anything nearby.) Lila can feel Sam Keating’s blood drying on her face. It’s beyond disgusting. (Maybe there’s brain matter on her face, too, and she almost throws up at the thought. She doesn’t, though, because Rebecca might kill her – _not fucking funny, Stangard, not at all_ – if she throws up on her.)

 

They rush up the three flight of stairs, Lila hiding her face as Rebecca struggles to get the door open. Rebecca flings the door open just as her neighbor opens his. She ushers Lila inside and shuts the door behind her, making sure she locks it. “Bathroom,” Rebecca orders.

 

Lila kicks the heels into the corner and heads to the bathroom. Rebecca sheds the gloves and her jacket. She follows Lila into the bathroom and searches for a washcloth that isn’t used and wets it. She wipes the blood from Lila’s face. Her hand trembles, and she doesn’t apply enough pressure, so it takes forever, but Lila doesn’t mind.

 

Once the blood is (mostly) gone, Rebecca rinses the washcloth out and hangs it out to dry. (She plans on burning it later. Or, at least, that’s what she tells herself she’s going to do.) “I hope you’re not too attached to your clothes,” Rebecca says. “We’re probably going to burn them.”

( _It’s me. It’ll always be me, Lila. You’re mine. She’s nothing. Do you understand? She is nothing._ Rebecca heard it all. She was dazed, sure, but she heard him. She thinks that’s why she had the strength to swing the goddamn trophy. Lila chose _her_ , not him. She isn’t nothing. Rebecca Sutter is done being nothing.)

 

“Whatever,” Lila sighs, and the tears make a reappearance. She swipes them away impatiently. “I’m going to shower,” Lila says. Rebecca nods and heads for the door, but Lila snags her hand. “No. Stay.”

 

X

 

Lila stays in the bathroom even after Rebecca’s left. It doesn’t feel like all the blood’s gone, but she thoroughly inspects herself and doesn’t find another drop anywhere.

 

(She can’t erase the image from her mind. Not just Sam’s body and the blood – _Jesus Christ, the fucking blood_ – but Sam choking her. Sam would never – that isn’t him. He’s always been so…Lila doesn’t finish that sentence. She can’t say ‘nice’ because a nice person doesn’t attempt to kill people. She can’t believe she slept with that fucker. More than once.)

 

Lila frowns at herself in the mirror, still not quite convinced that all the blood’s gone. (Of course it isn’t. Sam’s blood is on her hands – figuratively. Lila rolls her eyes at that one.) Lila finally leaves the bathroom to find Rebecca already in bed. She isn’t sleeping. She’s staring at the door. She doesn’t react to Lila leaving the bathroom or Lila getting dressed or Lila joining her in bed.

 

She doesn’t move. She doesn’t speak.

 

X

 

It continues for a few days. Rebecca only leaves her bed to use the bathroom. She doesn’t speak, she hardly moves, and she only eats if Lila makes her. Maybe it’s a normal response. Lila isn’t sure, and she’s too afraid to Google it.

 

Unfortunately, Rebecca also doesn’t shower. So on the third day, Lila forces her. Rebecca still doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t even put up a fight. She just lets Lila drag her out of bed and lead her into the bathroom.

 

“You’re gonna be difficult?” Lila questions, putting her hands on her hips. Rebecca just stares. She blinks a couple times for good measure. “You’re not the only one that went through this, you know,” Lila hisses. “He was strangling the life out of me when you stepped in.”

 

Rebecca opens her mouth, as if she’s going to say something, but shuts it.

 

“I was the one with his blood all over my face,” Lila continues. She raises her eyebrows. “Nothing? Seriously? You haven’t said one goddamn word in three days!”

 

“What do you want me to say?” Rebecca says. Her voice is pretty hoarse, and her face molds into this expression of heartbreaking sorrow.

 

“Anything,” Lila pleads. “Anything at all. Talking to myself is driving me insane, Bec. I’m tired of hearing my own voice for once. So _please_ start talking again.”

 

A smile flickers on Rebecca’s face. It fades quickly. “I was the one that swung the trophy,” Rebecca says. “I was the one that killed him. He said – he said I was nothing, Li. I – I wanted him dead.”

 

“He was wrong,” Lila says firmly. “He was lying. He was a liar. He didn’t own me. I was not his.” She smiles slightly and pokes Rebecca in the stomach, just to see if she’ll get a reaction. Rebecca squirms a bit, fighting a smile, and it’s better than nothing. “I’m yours.”

 

Rebecca actually smiles this time. It’s the first time she’s smiled since…Lila can’t remember the last time she saw Rebecca smile. She can’t dwell on it. Rebecca interrupts Lila’s wandering mind by asking, “Have you seen anything on the news about him?”

 

Lila shakes her head. “Not yet. I’m looking.” She makes a face. “Now take a shower. Please. It’s the least you can do for me considering I’m about to do your laundry.”

 

X

 

Over the next few days, Rebecca…improves. She functions like a human being again, at least. She gets out of bed in the morning, showers, and eats on her own. She’s almost back to normal.

 

The news reports Sam’s death nearly a week after it happens. Luckily, they have almost no leads. They’re investigating his wife, some of her colleagues, and a handful of her students, but they have little evidence to go off of. Just the murder weapon, left at the scene of the crime. A trophy, covered in Sam’s blood. No fingerprints.

 

(Apparently, Annalise Keating awards the trophy to her most worthy student.)

 

The reporter is rather blunt, saying, “Sam Keating had his head bashed in with the trophy and was found lying in a pool of blood and brain matter.”

 

Lila flinches. Rebecca does not.

 

“They don’t have anything solid,” Rebecca says, and she shuts the news off and goes to bed early.

 

X

 

Lila has nightmares. They don’t start until a week after Sam’s murder, but once they do start, they’re relentless. And she’s keeping Rebecca awake. Lila screams during the first nightmare, and Rebecca has to yell and violently shake Lila for a good two minutes before she wakes up.

 

“I’m okay,” Lila insists, but she doesn’t sleep the rest of the night. Neither does Rebecca, but they both pretend they’re sleeping.

 

The nightmares persist for the next week, and Rebecca eventually goes to sleep in the bathtub. (Okay, so she acts like she’s going to sleep in the bathtub. It’s too uncomfortable, and Lila interrupts her after three minutes to tell her, “Stop being an asshole and come back to bed.”)

 

Rebecca, if she dreams, doesn’t remember it.

 

X

 

The bruises on Lila’s neck fade. (They’d taken pictures the morning after the murder, and the pictures stay in Lila’s camera which she promptly hides.) Lila doesn’t notice until Rebecca points it out.

 

“Your neck looks better,” Rebecca says.

 

“Does it?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Lila looks in a mirror later. Rebecca’s right. The bruises are fading. The bruises aren’t a deep purple anymore. They’ve yellowed out, and in a few more days, they’ll be gone.

 

She wishes the nightmares would go with them.

 

X

 

“I knew he was a liar. I didn’t know he was actually capable of…” Lila can’t finish her sentence, and her eyes meet Rebecca’s. She can see the doubt in Rebecca’s eyes, but Rebecca doesn’t voice any of it. They sit cross-legged on Rebecca’s bed, facing each other.

 

“Does anyone else know about your…fling with Professor Almost Murderer?”

 

“I mean, the sorority girls know I was sleeping with my professor, but they don’t know which one.”

 

Rebecca nods. “As far as we know, there’s nothing tying us to this murder.” She freezes. “Unless Keating told someone.”

 

“But why would he tell someone that he’s fucking one of his students? They could turn around and tell his wife,” Lila says.

 

“True. I guess we’re okay then. For now.”

 

“Yeah,” Lila agrees, tapping her fingers against Rebecca’s knee. “For now.”

 

X

 

Lila wakes up one morning before the sun rises, stumbles into the bathroom, and collapses to the floor. She cries silently as long as she can manage, but eventually the silent crying becomes not so silent and draws Rebecca’s attention. Rebecca opens the door and asks, “You alright, Li?”

 

Lila shakes her head, gripping onto the edge of the countertop. Rebecca walks over, removes Lila’s hand, and sits back against the wall with her arm around Lila’s shoulders. Lila cries until she can’t cry anymore and falls asleep with her head against Rebecca’s shoulder.

 

(Rebecca’s back hurts and her ass goes numb, but she doesn’t move.)

 

X

 

The police have nothing. They can’t find any evidence to support any theory they have.

 

Rebecca makes sure she burns any article of clothing with blood on it. Plus the washcloth she used to clean Lila’s face. Just in case.

 

X

 

“I don’t want to stay here anymore,” Lila says quietly one night. She knows Rebecca isn’t asleep yet, but after two minutes passes in silence, she thinks maybe she’s wrong. (She isn’t. Rebecca just hasn’t figured out what to say.)

 

Rebecca takes a deep breath and finally asks, “Where do you want to go then?”

 

“I want to leave Philadelphia.”

 

“That’s not specific enough.”

 

“I think I’m going to quit law school,” Lila blurts. “At least at Middleton.”

 

“That still doesn’t tell me where you want to go.”

 

Lila’s voice is barely audible. “I think I want to go home.”


	17. April 2015 and On

_April 2015 And On_

Just as it starts to warm up a bit, Lila wants to leave. Rebecca doesn’t blame her, honestly. She lives in a shithole, and she bets the sorority house wasn’t much better.

 

Lila quits law school – at Middleton; she promises Rebecca she’ll find a school in California – and leaves the sorority. Rebecca, unfortunately, is present when Lila says all of her goodbyes. Most of them cry – including Lila – and Liz makes a point in hugging Rebecca as well. (Lila laughs about that later.)

 

Rebecca packs her shit – really, it isn’t much; just a couple of suitcases – and follows Lila out to California. Before they get off the plane, she makes sure she tells Lila, “I’m not meeting your family.”

 

“Oh, God, no,” Lila says. “My mother would _hate_ you, and not just because you’re a woman.” Lila pauses. “She does know I’m dating you, though. But I may or may not have sugarcoated a few things about you.”

 

“You better hope I never meet her then. I won’t meet her high expectations.”

 

“You don’t have to.”

 

X

 

They find a decent sized apartment, and the rent actually isn’t terrible. Rebecca drops drug dealing for good and finds a job that pays more than her last bartending job did. Lila goes to school, avoids fucking her professor, and keeps in touch with some of the sorority girls.

 

“I do miss the roof, though,” Lila says one day. “That was nice.”

 

“Yeah. It was,” Rebecca agrees. “This isn’t so bad, though.”

 

Lila smiles. “No, it’s not.” She bumps her hip into Rebecca’s and says, “Who knew I could put up with you?”

 

“Look who’s talking, sorority girl.”

 

“Former sorority girl,” Lila corrects.

 

Rebecca rolls her eyes and says, “Once a sorority girl, always a sorority girl.”

 

X

 

They don’t get over Sam’s death. They’re reminded by their nightmares, their memories, and any news story they come across.

 

(The police likely aren’t going to solve this case. They admit it.)

 

X

 

Lila falls asleep on the couch one night, and Rebecca throws a blanket over her and sleeps on the floor beside the couch instead of in bed. She isn’t sure why, but she’s glad she does it. Lila’s arm hangs off the couch, hand resting against Rebecca’s stomach.

 

They aren’t terrible people, Rebecca thinks. Even if she did murder Sam Keating. She saved Lila.

 

She can live with that.

 

X

 

Lila is weirdly sentimental, especially on periods, and Rebecca doesn’t know how she missed that before. Lila cries quite a bit, too, and Rebecca learns how to deal with it. Lila’s also a sucker for little romantic gestures.

 

Rebecca uses it to her advantage.

 

X

 

Rebecca does, unfortunately, meet Lila’s mom. After a minute spent under the scrutinizing gaze of the redheaded woman that gave birth to Lila Stangard, Rebecca says impatiently, “Well?”

 

Mrs. Stangard turns to Lila and asks, “She makes you happy?”

 

Lila smiles. “Duh.”

 

“Okay. I can live with that.” She frowns, eyeing Rebecca. “I guess.”

 

X

 

Lila runs to the bathroom, and Mrs. Stangard warns Rebecca, “You better not hurt her.”

 

“I won’t.”

 

X

 

When Mrs. Stangard leaves, she hugs Lila and spends two minutes saying goodbye before turning to Rebecca. “You’re not as bad as I thought,” she admits.

 

“Yeah. Neither are you.”

 

Mrs. Stangard turns back to Lila and says, “You really know how to pick them, don’t you?”

 

X

 

“I knew she wouldn’t hate you,” Lila says once her mother’s out the door.

 

“You said she would.”

 

“Would, wouldn’t, close enough.”

 

X

 

They try playing Monopoly again one night. Lila still bankrupts Rebecca, and Rebecca flips the board again. Twenty minutes later, Rebecca demands a rematch, and she loses again.

 

She makes it her goal to beat Lila in Monopoly.

 

(Won’t happen. Lila’s the Monopoly champ. She can’t lose, and she knows it.)

 

X

 

Rebecca watches Lila do homework one night for over five minutes. Lila finally looks up and asks, “What?”

 

Rebecca smiles. “Nothing.”

 

X

 

Lila leaves her shit all over the bathroom, and after a while, Rebecca stops caring. Except she knocks over at least two bottles of some shit Lila uses per shower.

 

Lila also always uses all the hot water. Rebecca learns to wake up earlier and shower before her.

 

X

 

Lila does most of the work around the apartment, but Rebecca pulls her weight.

 

 

X

 

It’s after midnight, and maybe it’s creepy, but Lila totally watches Rebecca sleep. It doesn’t last long, though, because Rebecca can sense someone’s eyes on her, and she wakes up.

 

“What?” Rebecca mumbles.

 

Lila grins and pokes Rebecca in the stomach. “I love you, you know that?”

 

“I do now.” Rebecca pauses long enough to make Lila believe she’s fallen back to sleep. “Love you too. Loser.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that’s it, I guess. Thank you all for reading! I really appreciate it, and words cannot express how happy I am that people care about what I have to write. And if you ever want to talk about Lila/Rebecca or whatever, I am on Tumblr at blinkaftermidnight(.tumblr.com).


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